lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Monday, Sept. 04, 2017 - 11:34 pm

=*=


So the topic of privilege is going on in my Wednesday class, and already we have a "white" student almost apologizing her her privilege...and a person of color who I know very well posting about how tiring it is to both constantly explain white privilege to white people and also hear people apologize for having it...and there's me. In the provilege line-ups I always end up in the back row, usually by myself.
I am a person who has light skin, and no friends, crooked teeth that appear to have some missing due to being impacted, no family besides my mom, only learned anything at all about my ancestry after age 20 so I grew up knowing nothing not even names, I have no money, can't drive, never held a job, stuck on SSI where I am not even allowed to be given gifts or fed or housed, who is terrified to move because I am afraid of being homeless again because section-8 discrimination is so rampant and they think of us as cockroaches who will destroy their homes even with perfect references, who is terrified of police shooting at her house, because they actually already did nearby during an arrest because i live in a neighborhood more defined as a ghetto, and who has spent the majority of my life (15 years worth and then some)stuck in my home without the ability to shop for myself or have any dignity at all and without getting any care or services at all from anyone that entire time, including an education beyond 5th grade until I decided to try and then got no help yet again except handed the GED books and told to take them home and call them if I needed help. And my stress levels from dealing with social services this year are so high that i have pulled out A LOT of my hair, to the point where I can't cover it anymore...also because my social services are still inadequately helping me, and my meds just stop my ability to think altogether...which is great if i don't need to think.

That's a hell of a lot of privilege sn't it?...but I am technically "white" even though I am part Hawaiian, and so what to do I know...right?

I do know I am tired, mostly of people, and especially tired of able-bodied, able to drive, employed, people with family who don't need assistance from others just to go get food or go shopping (i.e. the things that make it possible to compete in a capitalist market) taking those things for granted.

And I really wish I knew what it is like to have any of that. I am trying, but so far I feel like I need to honestly quit grad school. Or maybe the social work focus of grad school. Or maybe I need to quit trying to be around people altogether.

I most often wonder why my boyfriend wants to be with me, and know it has some to do with the fact that i am trying to get off SSI and I wonder what he will do if and when I fail...I feel like I am failing at this point. And it doesn't feel very good to be literally drowning in homework and stressing and not eating and not sleeping and going balder by the minute.

Really, my classmates are so much more capable of doing this than I am...

So anyway, some observations of this so far...

Observations from grad school so far:
Mostly only the three fellow people with disabilities have actually spoken to me, except one guy who is gay and Jewish and a lady who is an immigrant from Haiti.

Only one person uses the elevator: me. The rest go off with the physically capable down the stairs leaving me on my own after.

The one person in our classes who is from a foreign country (Haiti) has chosen me…out of everyone. In fact she has only spoken to me in any great depth, and only speaks to others if I am part of it.

My textbooks and program are actively avoiding the topic of eugenics in this country.

I still really hate textbooks.

I also still really despise APA format.

And I feel really lost in all three of my classes, even though it partially isn't even my fault because one professor is re-writing the syllabus in the 4th week because the entire syllabus she gave us was listing the 2nd edition of the book, and we are using the 3rd edition. So everything was off...and I am thoroughly confused...

If I fail my classes, I will try to not beat myself up too badly...but I know I will beat myself up in one way or another.

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

someone shoot me but not literally... - Sunday, Oct. 01, 2017

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017