What I had feared and already knew and suspected of my school is true...in short, they admins don't care.

What I also fear is true, that the systems in place are designed to keep me out.

Another thing I fear, is that I won't get through this. Because I am already drained and I'll from it. And alone in life. And this is not what I want.

But I am also not sure what I want. I know part of me has regretted that I continued living since I was 11. And I know that I can do things just well enough to get a foot in the door, and then it stops there. I can't proceed.

I feel like I can't do this.

I don't have the resources you literally need to do what is required of me.

And more often than not I feel like I am making an idiot of myself trying.

Just putting on a show to give a good laugh to people who know better than me to stop trying.

I'm tired, and I am at a point where things may or may not progress to the next level, and if they do not it's notmy fault...it's how the system was designed. And I have a really hard time accepting that.

~e