Lastnight, I had a really confusing dream, that was both good and bad at the same time.
It started out with my knowing the very nice Madonna (she�s always nice to me in my dreams :-)), and being dressed up in the see through lace gown she wore in the Vogue music video this one:

. It fit me like a glove, and felt gorgeous on my skin, draping in all the right places. Then my drama teacher came into the dream, and I was there with Madonna and my teacher. The teacher was getting ready for her new class, which was teaching kindergarten. The room was decorated with ribbons, and colorful paper cutouts. She came up to me and told me I looked lovely in the dress, and wished me luck. Giving me a hug and kiss on the cheek, she smiled, and handed me my thick script. I stood there looking it over as the children came in, and I watched them laughing and playing, while I sat to the side reading. Suddenly someone, unknown, and unseen burst into the room and two of the children, sitting in a circle on the floor, were shot in the head. No one panicked, or reacted in the least, except me, and I went to help them cover the wounds where they�d been shot and they lay dying and bleeding right before me � the more than obvious symbolism being loss of youthfulness and innocence. I couldn�t handle it, and that woke me up.

I know there was a lot more to the dream, as I vaguely remember playing with a typewriter, speaking to a third person, and looking out the window or door, but I can�t remember anything else after those brief faded images.

Yesterday, I caught a young wolf spider in my bedroom, near my bed. He was only about a half inch (1cm), and his legs looked like they do on wolf spiders, thick legs, all furry and gangly, bending in varied directions, as if they have no control or strength to hold themselves. He was crouched down in the defensive position, and at first I thought him dead, but decided not to risk it. Luckily I was right, and he was very much alive. With my mothers help, I caught him, and she released him out near the arroyo a bit later.

Well, when I post this entry it will be exactly 7 hours and 15 days since W broke up with me. It's amazing that you really do count the minutes and hours and days when something like this happens. I�m still trying to comprehend the idea of our relationship being too loving, and that he �loves me too much,� and why, if that�s true, do I deserve the punishment of not being his girl, nothing s much worse than something. But I guess I�ll never know, as he can�t give me a good enough justifiable reason either.

I saved our, what ended up being very late, near 2 am AIM conversation, incase I need to read it through again for some semblance of closure. It still feels like he wants this, but is afraid of it, or of something. So, I don�t know. But I was dead honest with him, about just about everything I�ve needed to say, and meant to say before he broke up with me. So, regardless of whether he listens, or changes things long-term, or just blocks it all out in the haze of his 19 hour workdays, some part of him knows now.

He confided some very personal things about his family to me, and I think his idea of relationships has been skewed terribly by his experiences. As he believes that dreams and goals are more important than relationships, while I believe that there is a healthy balance you need to find. But he told me I�ve made a big difference in his life, and made him happier than he wants to tell me. So, tell me again why am I crying over being dumped�????

At least I got another �I love you too� out of him, after I typed �I love you� and he quoted Hans Solo��I know.� Then he typed the real thing. So I guess there�s that.

I would give anything for what we�ve done, to not feel bad, as in �wrong,� to not end so soon, to continue as it should have�and I think for my sake, because I�ve been ill for two weeks, I think I�m just going to consider myself his girl, until or unless I find that �better� that I supposedly deserve, but will have a fucking hard time finding in this pit of a city/town.

On an equally personal, but more uplifting note, I have new bras! The married UPS guy came, and I have my new bras. I adore the red one, and wish I had gotten all the blue ones before they were gone. They�re very comfortable. Yay.

Since I last wrote an entry, I got to talk with Helen, and Dee, and Josh, and W, and Kimme�I have no idea where Eric is, busy � I know.

My kitty�s eyes are officially healed, and recovered 90%.

Trust me, a lot more has happened since I last updated my journal, but ugh, it�s hot in here, and my brain is mush, so I�ll go for now.

A quick survey:

Answer in two words, and two words only.

1. Yourself: cutely intelligent
2. Your car: his car
3. Your Hair: don't ask
4. Your mother: unbearably opinionated
5. Your father: opium addict
6. Your Favorite Item: my computer
7. Your Dream Last Night: in Vogue
8. Your Favorite Drink: pineapple juice
9. Your Dream Home: loving family
10. The Room You Are In: make-shift penitentiary
11. Your Pet: Shadow Boxer
12. Your fear: being alone
13. Where You Want to be in Ten Years: magazine cover
14. Who you hung out with last night: my kitty
15. What You're Not: sado-masochistic freak
16. Your Best Friend: future husband
17. One of Your Wish list Items: someone staying
18. Your Gender: all girl
19. The Last Thing You Did: bra fitting
20. What You Are Wearing: not much
21. Your Favorite Weather?: partly cloudy
22. Your Favorite Book: Little Prince
23. The Last Thing You Ate: cold pizza
24. Your Life: taking time
25. Your Mood: slightly apathetic
26. The last person you talked to on the phone: future husband ;-)

~e