So much time has passed since I've even attempted to write anything in here, I still don't feel up to it. A week ago tonight, I was lying so close beside W, holding on to him hoping time would stop so I wouldn�t have to let go. As dawn drew closer, I listened to his gentle breathing, and felt what I've felt since the first day I met him�except with so much saddness that I wanted to cry.
Lastnight I did. I bid goodnight to Helen and Josh, and then called W. We talked till nearly 2 am, as i cried. Then I cried myself to sleep. He doesn�t understand that I was just beginning to trust my world, and more importantly myself. But now I don�t know what to think, or feel, or believe about anything. I don�t trust my perception of anything being 'good' or 'bad.' I don't even trust that my bedroom walls are really there. What I thought solid, was sand. Not even sand, sand is palpable. He doesn�t realize that I need my world to be safe for once, and that in his arms I felt safe, with him I felt safe, beside him I felt safe, even outside, I felt safe. I knew that �safe� was a tangible thing that I could have with him. And in my small world, safe = healing.
He tried to explain his philosophies on life, and relationships, to me, and I could have easily slammed quite a few of them, but it�s not my right to argue the validity of whether a businessman is actually �better� than a blade of grass in a vast open field. Nor is it my right any longer to argue my needs to him. Even though I tried, unsuccessfully to voice them, I voiced them, but I know he doesn�t understand me, or my needs, especially my needs in order to get better. That I want my year with him, for more than one reason. He swears he still loves me. And that was my biggest dream being to be loved by someone i love despite being ill. But as it�s not going to happen, I might as well be an errant pencil mark on a piece of paper, lying there, waiting to be erased. It�s all I am now. And he won�t listen to me.
I read once, that in a relationship, one person gets something from it, and the other loses something because of it. Rarely is it win-win.
W took my dream of being loved by someone for the first time in my life, and tossed it away. My self-esteem has gone to shit and I keep telling myself � no, I�m really not the kind of girl to fuck someone for 7 weeks, I�m not, really I�m not. But what does it matter�what does it matter if I fuck 5 guys in the next year now, it won�t make any difference. My fears were validated. And my dream is dying.
~e
