lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Wednesday, Aug. 02, 2006 - 12:38 am

=*=


After tossing and turning uncomfortably, and sitting in the window, feeling the cool after-midnight air on my skin. I crawled back on my bed, face down, and cried most of the night. I watched the sky lighten at 6:45am, all the world blurred, like an impressionist's painting from my tears. I finally fell asleep at 8:30 am, this morning. I still didn't get more than 5 hours of sleep, because I woke up 1:30 pm. I've been so tired from not sleeping more than 3 to 5 hours for near two weeks now, that I've barely been able to stand at times. And all day Monday, I kept thinking it was Sunday.

As far as lastnight, I know I was crying over W. Over school, and how it starts in less than 3 weeks, yet I have no idea what I'll do for money, or which classes I'll be taking. I'm not good at dealing with abrupt unknowns. And I cried, again, over the fact that I'm not perfect, and wouldn't mind it except some people I know seem to have that impossible-to-overcome "fault" on their lists of reasons to not want to know me.

My lack of self-esteem, and lack of reasons to justify having it, make it impossible for me to just say fuck off to these people. But last week W asked me if I was trying to be "perfect" for someone else. It made my feelings for him burst back into my heart because he liked my imperfections, my lack of knowledge of how to communicate the way everyone else does, and my general shyness. Or I should say, he liked me as I am, and never expected me to be anything else. I have a feeling I'm going to think of him everytime I see a plane for the rest of my life. The fact that I was a pilot's girl, means so much to me. That and the fact that with him, the sky really is the limit. That level of fearlessness really is possible.

One very sweet thing my lil Shadow did was he reached up to my cheek, and softly licked my tears away, then did a little rolled rrrrreow, to let me know he cared. It's probably the reason I fell asleep at all. Sometimes I wish he was a person instead of a cat, though he'd be a hellified person, plus he'd be a eunuch...

odd segue...

I chatted online with W on Sunday night, after not hearing from him much since Wednesday. I still have no idea what he did in those 5 days as all he told me was that he worked at 5:30 am one morning, and from 7am till 3am the next morning on Friday. We got into a discussion of PC video games. I think if I get a grant, I'm going to buy four things: MS FlightSim2004, GT Legends Race Car Game, and the wheel and the yoke to play each of those games properly�that'll be roughly $300 bucks and then I can crash stuff all I want. ;-)

Yesterday I voiced, once again, to my mom that I would like to learn how to drive. Not necessarily get a license, but do all the preliminary stuff and clock my 50 hours of non-highway driving time. I told her that the stuff I've done with W, has made me overcome quite a few fears, and gotten a lot of training to handle being more independent. And that maybe driving (ie having to put my hypervigilance to contructive use soI don't die in a car crash) might be good for me. Amazingly enough she agreed, and she said that when I get the money for driver's ed classes, that she'll support my taking them. I'm hoping she wasn't simply having a good day.

For those who've been reading my diary a while, you know I "fixed" my template. I like it much better. I've never had a light diary background before. I love the light fonts with black background, always have, always will, but I needed change. The weird thing is that it's saying that "font-size" is not a valid html code, I'm too tired to change it � again. But if my font looks atrocious on your browser, it looks just fine on mine in Firefox, IE, and AOL�

I also downloaded about 200 new smileys, and uploaded them on my site and so now I have to add the links to the 5 sites in this template, and do a lot more. Blah. And I added 'my secret garden,' it's self-explanatory if you click the link in the top left corner. Josh's suggestion for building self-esteem, and building love for myself, though I somehow don't think it will work. I guess we'll see.

I also found a decent online word processor, zohowriter. It's not perfect by any means, but I think it will be very useful to take notes, or write at school and have access to the files when I get home, without having to carry jump drives, disks, or CD's with me.

I got two books from the library, The Birthday Letters by Ted Hughes and Letters Home by Sylvia Plath, one of very few books I don't own of Sylvia's. Anyway, I'm enjoying them immensely. Anytime I read books by people who wrote with typewriters, I want to drag mine out and type on them. I'm going to marry a writer, who will write about me. A terrifically fearless and absolutely insane, and horribly busy, pilot, actor, writer�just watch. But for now I'm an impoverished, heart-broken gorgeous-pilot's ex-girlfriend.

I have so much to do tomorrow. I'm going to be at the college for 6 hours. My to-do's are as follows:

turn in my paperwork to the financial aid office, then sign a few more papers
speak with an advisor
find out what my CPE scores are
find out what classes I can take
measure my locker
get a library card
check out the fitness center across the street from the college, where my so far decided classes will be � at night
tell the student leadership office that I'll be using my locker for fall semester
turn in my transcript request to the testing center (they still haven't gotten my GED results back)
I know I'm forgetting something too.

Why does it feel like I'm doing this for nothing?

If I'm up to it, I'll go shopping for a new pair of shoes afterward. I deserve it. Don't really have the $$, but I deserve it just the same.

hmm

W, who said a "friend" was over to visit, and that he'd be "back in a bit" just signed off without saying goodnight to me�with that, the fact that I haven't seen him in so long, and the fact that he never calls me at all anymore, I'll now proceed to cry myself to sleep once again�thanks W.

Why are men such assholes? Even the nice ones�

I wonder if the college has a boxing class� I'd like to learn to hit "stuff." Anyway, goodnight�

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017