lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Wednesday, Aug. 09, 2006 - 8:59 pm

=*=



Written August 7th 2006

My time these past two days has been rather productive. I unfortunately haven't gotten much sleep. Still. I'm convinced that my brain is so exhausted, it's forgotten that it's supposed to get sleep. However lastnight's lack of sleep was entirely due to the fact that it took me till almost 3am to fall asleep, because of the rain, and then I got woken up by the now hacking coughing cigarette smoking loudly laughing and talking on their porch at 6 am gay dudes. Nice huh?

Well, Sunday morning I woke up at 7 am. I crawled up by my windowsill and the whole world outside was so beautiful and peaceful. Everything was quiet, even the birds. I just took a moment to stop and enjoy the misty white-grey cloud covered sky and feel the humid breeze coming in through my open window. I needed that.

Sunday ended up being a day to be there for other people. Two of my closest friends were in need of my friendship. Which made me feel really good. :-) So, hopefully Dee is really doing better, honesty and genuine understanding usually does the trick. And I know Josh is, even though neither of us can solve the issue he's dealing with. I have to say, I'm one of those friends that if I can be of assistance, if I know what to do, I'm all there - anytime. And I love that in me. I don't always understand what to do in a lot of situations, but I'm getting better at it, I think. My lack of life makes understanding what to do all the time sort of alien.

I guess other than that, and getting to say goodnight to W right before Josh called, made my night feel rather full. In the best way possible.

We got another two dowpours yesterday as well. I swear all this rain is unbelievable. I'm in the desert, not the rainforest. Everyone here is commenting about how green everything suddenly is. There's an actual carpet of grass out my window that wasn't there a month ago. Some of the most beautiful wildflowers have sprouted, seemingly everywhere.

As for the humidity, at night and at early dawn feels wonderful. There's a fantastic chill I've missed from back when I lived 5 blocks in from the waterfront. But by mid-day, it starts to make the air feel heavy and sticky.

Anyway, like I said I woke up at 6 am, thanks to my neighbors. The morning sky was just beginning to lighten. At hearing my neighbors I got up and slammed my window. They still didn't shut up, but I'm sure they heard my civil protestation.

I crawled back in bed and managed to sleep till 7:33. I got up, figuring I'd have to in 30 minutes anyway. I had to be up by 8am to get ready for the day, which officially started at at the ungodly hour of 9 am. We had to do a lease re-certification, and while we openly can't take living here anymore, I have no money with which to move, just yet. I also still don't know of any places that really would be better. Sigh.

By 8:58 I was dressed, fed, and perked up as much as I was going to be. We managed to walk to the office, avoiding ants the whole way. I really like the new office assistant, she's very�normal. Not like the stiletto heeled bitch that used to work there. The manager, unfortunately hasn't left yet.

After killing half a forest of trees, our re-cert paperwork was filled out, and we went back to the apartment. My cat was in a playful mood and I played with him for a while, getting badly wounded in the process when Shadow decided to do an odd ungraceful back-flip leap in the air, hitting my index finger with his back claws. So, with three bandaids on my index finger, one large, two small, I put my shoes back on. Soon after the cab came, and we were off to the social security office.

They moved it across the street, since I was last in that office. I like the new office better, though it's intimidating. The first person you see is a security guard, toting a gun. The next thing you notice is two photos, one of George Bush, and one of Dick Cheney. Then you notice the potentially crazy people for which the security guard is necessary. After taking my number, 359, we sat down.

Written August 8th 2006

That's all I managed to write yesterday.

Mostly because me and W got into another argument lastnight, a big one.

And today I found out the school is only giving me $250 a semester in grant money above the pell grant. I can't pay $1200 in medical expenses with $250, let alone do much else. I have three pairs of winter pants to my name and two pairs of shoes I can wear. So I really have no idea why I'm wasting my time with school now. I just feel so stepped on now. And I've been crying. And the financial aid director is a total asshole, he laughed at me for calling him. My mom got about $1100 a semester in grants when I was 8, so I don't know why I'm getting so little. They're giving me one quarter of what fafsa said I need to cover expenses. I've worked hard all year to get my GED for a lousy $250 bucks in spending money above tuition, books, and school expenses.

Written August 9th 2006 8:35 pm

That's all I managed to write yesterday, before getting horribly depressed.

Today I talked with so many people, only one of which was sypathetic. Since I didn't mention anything about it in either of the above entries, I will now.

I qualify for a seemingly great program called TRIO. I qualify under every single "underpriveledged" category they have to qualify students into the program. And you only need one�

I'm living on under $14,000
Neither parents graduated from college
I've been out of school more than 5 years
I got my GED
I have a documented disability
And I placed in classes under English 111, or math 102.

I can officially say, I'm rock bottom. But the program so far has been nice, and the people in it seem warm�not a word I'd use often to describe most of the faculty I've met so far. 'nice' maybe, warm not really.

Anyway, the college is giving me just 33% of the grant money I'm supposed to be getting. If full-time is $7200, why am I getting a quarter to a third of that, instead of half? I called a woman in financial-aid today and she said, its so low because I'm only going half-time, otherwise I'd get the full grants. If she meant what she said, theyre discriminating against and punishing all disabled students as we aren't allowed, by law, to go full-time without losing our housing and SSI benefits. She told me if I need more, then my only option is to take out loans.

Anyway, I have an appointment with the financial aid director and a very kind woman from TRIO, with an adorable Oklahoma accent, who is going to support me by being in the room with me while I talk with him. Do I expect anything but being laughed at, like I was today and told to take out loans if I want more money � to my face next time�no, like I said, he's an ass.

I kind of expected at least $800 in grants above the Pell grant per semester. That would pay for all of my medical expenses. What am I supposed to do with $250? Buy video games, and clothes I guess. I certainly can't get my medical expenses paid for.

Also, we found a great brand new apartment building, with 60% vacancy, and I still have no money to move.

Anyway, I'm not okay, and I'm not in the mood to write about which ways I'm not okay.

So I guess this entry ends here.

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017