I think Josh told me he's attending a birthday party, so it's just me, and myself, and I tonight.

I got another voice mail message today for Jade, from the same loaded dork that keeps calling for her despite my having told her 5 times that it's no longer Jade's number. The message went something like this (imagine the hesitantly perky voice of an intoxicated minnie mouse): uh, hi, Jade?!�this is Carol�then she goes on to explain in horid detail that this woman named Yvonne V (said the whole name) called to inform her that the tanning treatments weren't entirely even, and that she wanted Jade ro re-do her legs�as I'm sitting here listening to this message thinking�holy crap these women are fucking ridiculous. I'm drawing the line if this Carol bitch calls my voicemail over waxed bikini lines�I know where the number is calling from, I googled it a while back, and yes it�s a tanning and beauty salon downtown.

I had to listen to my most annoying neighbors, and 5 of their intoxicated friends for most of the day. I'm in a terribly bad mood right now, depressed AND pissy. My head hurt so badly a little while ago that I was forced to lie down. The people the asswipe brought home looked like they were scruffy, dirty, homeless men who drank themselves into brain-damage over the past 30 years. And when he loudly (in the most god damn annoyingly stereotypical jewish "gay" voice) announced that they had now arrived at "the sugar shack" then pointed to his apartment, I wanted to hit him. The sugar shack? My apartment building is no damn sugar shack for homeless transients. The way they were acting, I was nervously waiting for them to partake in an orgy right there on the porch. And no, I don't know how I'm going to study with these dickheads being such idiots.

When I was awoken, my room was wonderfully chilled, as I'd fallen asleep with my window open a crack. I don't think it got much above 65 today. The thick blanket of deep grey clouds never dissipated, and not an ounce of sunlight ever bled through. Consequently, it rained for most of the day, and I'm sure it's flooding again somewhere south of here. All of this rain is making everyone miserable. It's sad to see New Mexicans actually sighing in response to the rain. They're starting to act and sound like people in the NW, well almost.

The first major thing I did after being woken up at 6:11am, was accidentally slice the top of my right middle finger open with a piece of paper -- down to the nail cuticle. It's one of the biggest and most painful papercuts I've ever had. Not even my care bear bandaids and pain relieving neosporin are stopping it from hurting. But I'll survive, I'm sure.

My mom got me 550 mg potassium tablets today. I guess in a couple of weeks I'll see if they help me feel less dizzy or not. In the meantime, feeling as if I'm going to fall flat on my face at any dramatic second will have to remain a possible future activity. I'm worried that it's a combination of three things: depression, potassium deficiency having gone chronic, and plain old sleep deprivation.

Oh and today, as I totally figured that there is no way I'm using the book I mentioned lastnight -- dropping out, transferring classes, and/or drowning myself in an arroyo if need be to escape being degraded by that textbook's presence�my mom, agreeing that something wasn't right, called the college back and asked for the title again. The guy named a different title, and no, it's not the book mentioned lastnight, nor am I an idiot. My class's textbook was written by Mandell, and it is a Freshman college level textbook�thank the big dude, I'm not going to lose braincell activity this semester. It's called Writing First with Readings, and without yet having it in my greedy lil care bear band-aided up hands, I'm already adoring the table of contents, and sample essay titles and authors � all 752 page, 10.8 x 8.5 inches and 3.1 lbs of it. If it helps me write better and more organized I'll eat the 65-80 bucks and keep it as a reference title in my growing textbook collection.

I tried to take a shower today, and our water pressure is so freakishly low now, that the second I got the water hot, then pulled the shower lever, it squeeked loudly then stopped altogether making a noise almost as if the pipe was about to burst. It only turns on now if you turn it to cold, then make it warmer little by little. I still can't take hot showers, only luke warm and cold ones work and even those are like turning on a faucet quarter to half-way. By the time you get the water hot, the pressure drops to a squeeling trickle, it's weird. We'll have to tell maintenance because over the past month it's gotten less and less. It's like theres a leak, or blockage or something. The bath tap does the same thing. I still can't believe this place is only 6 yrs old.

My mom and I have currently dicussed moving on November 1st. In two months. I'm thinking it's do-able, because by then I'll only have one class to worry about. It took 4 months to pack up home and life for a 2000 mile move 'cross country, from one border to another. That makes a 6 mile move seem less atrocious, boxing and packing won't have to be as well-done, ie as if were preparing for our belongings to be blown up. The only thing is that I need my school loan ASAP to cover the costs of moving. God I hope I can do this. I can't live here anymore. A Senior building, even if it is in an industrial section, seems so much nicer. Plus it has an elevator, so it'll be a much easier move.

I have so much to do on Monday. Going to the college, getting my book, accommodations forms, turning papers in to TRIO, maybe talking to the FA director about the loans, going to lit volunteers, getting my student ID, telling them not to cut my lock, then putting the stuff in my locker, one last quick look at my classes, to reiterate that I'll be "fine" � despite lack of windows, and maybe more. Then we'll be off to the apartments 3 miles away to check them out. Then after that well sign the papers for a credit check at the other apartments, and we'll walk to the plaza. My mom wants a new cellphone that will work at the college, as hers goes dead, making my ability to call her � nil. Then after that, I need a pair of shoes, clothes, whatever, and a thin two pocket wallet for my student ID and my paratransit ID. Then we'll go home, I guess. I'll need to get sleep Monday night, that's for sure.

I want to write of my feelings, but I guess they want to remain private for now.

Having said that: I'm scared to death as each hour passes, knowing I'm an hour closer to having to walk in, and be in, and stay in a room with 16 other people in it �and no W to rescue me or tell me I'm okay. No W to buy, and then make me eat, Rice Krispies treats during break if he so much as heard a faint rumble in my tummy. No W to smile at me over my school papers, knowing I just kicked ass again. No W to buy me Jelly Belly's after class. Go for long drives and make out�

I'm going to sob if someone asks me out this semester, I'll just stand there and helplessly cry, and not in the good, thankful way either�

Hmm, maybe everything I'm feeling is simply because I want my god damn textbook already. I guess that will have to do for an explanation, at least for now.

~e

Post Script: It was a dear childhood friend's 26th birthday today, the girl who always seemed to have everything I ever wanted�where ever she is�happy birthday Jerilyn.