I have all weekend to cry into my boxes over the following things that happened since yesterday, or that happened today.
Yesterday, as I was typing to W, he started bragging about a girl in his class, the exact way he used to brag about me. (if I didn't mention it, he's taking a psychology class). All of the reasons he likes looking at her � he did this to me before he asked me out, just sweetly stared at me and watched me.
My heart sank and I begged him to not go asking anyone out. Instead of saying "I won't" he said "why?" I told him that it would kill me because he broke up with me because he wanted time for himself, and because he didn't have time to be with me, "or anyone else." He didn't say anything to what I said to him. Do I think he's going to ask her out? Yes I do, if he hasn't already.
Second, P pretty much ignored me today. And while he was in a definite 'mood,' and may have intended it to be out of respect that he was doing so, I sat in the hallway by myself the whole hour between classes and teared up, as I listened to a mother criticize the way her "idiot" son was swimming all wrong. I ran through everything in my head, about how I was told to not do what I did with P on Tuesday. I was told to never talk about how serious my disorders are/were. And I did that. And what did he do � after class he waved goodbye at me, and he took off.
My CS teacher knew something was wrong as she left class, but I brushed it off.
To be honest, if I had someone else here to care, I wouldn't mind. But when your whole physical world is three people big, it makes a huge difference as to what those three people do.
My English class is dreadful. There are only 3 people I can say are not on my 'can't stand them' list. But none are on my 'like' list. I'm actually dreading this class - not the teacher - the class.
And tonight, just as I'm feeling absolutely crushed by the two men who are actually part of my life (no matter how small that part is), my English teacher goes and plays a discussion of what is love, by Marshall Rosenberg. I kept running through my head, that I'm the dork who *needs* to be loved, and that's why I'm not. It just made me feel like a loser and an idiot.
Not to mention the fact that seemingly every female has a boyfriend in both of my classes. Their boyfriends pick them up after class, and sweetly wait in the hallway for them too.
If I could ask the air, and get a response, I'd ask to know what's wrong with me. Or why I'm not good enough.
On a happy note: two people at the college are interested in starting a drama club for students interested in drama and theatre�that's the only good thing that's happened since Tuesday. Now I just have to get up the guts to call them.
Oh, I only got a 98 on my Midterm exam. Yes, it's still an A, but�
Gotta go enjoy being agoraphobic, and cry now�
~e
