lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Friday, Nov. 03, 2006 - 11:14 pm

=*=



lyrics

I was going to write a private entry, but after today's class I just decided that I need it to be accessible to, well, people. Maybe even in more than one diary, as yes, I have quite a few.

This entry is going to be sketchy, as I have quite a few weeks to catch up on. The biggest events I never wrote of are the following:

My move went fairly well. I'm completely in boxes still, and sincerely fearing relapsing again due to all the changes, new people, new stores, new sounds, etc. We have to walk a mile to get groceries now, and then another mile back. I have to say having done it once now, I'm not going to manage it well. Especially with having to walk down the sidewalk of the six-lane superhighway from hell, known as Cerrillos Road. Having said that, I love being so close to so many stores. We simply need to be much closer to a grocery store, but it doesn't look promising.

I got both P and F's phone numbers, as I'd hoped I would, and yes we have remained in touch, even though the CS class is long over (well, by three weeks). P has become a very dear friend in my life, and we are currently in another class together. I've also met P's girlfriend, and she seems nice enough as well. F on the other hand, is becoming very complicated. It's obvious that, after helping me tremendously with moving, he is expecting more than friendship. I would be ecstatic if it were not for the numerous similarities between my ex � W � and him. A pathetically long list, which also includes being too busy to really spend time with me, and being too busy to not stand me up nearly every time he makes a promise. I'm finding myself wanting to believe his promise that this Christmas will be better than all of my previous ones, but really I can't. He also smokes, drinks, cusses, has a really negative mindset and very critical thought process, especially of people's differences, that I'm trying to rid myself of. I'm finding myself wondering the many things I wondered with W after I discovered that he was too busy to be with me in the way I needed � simply wondering why he wants to know me at all. But all the same, I do have two friends here now. At the same time being called "sweetie" and getting hugs and kisses and being absolutely adored by someone is - nice. But I see too many patterns and too many paths I've been down already. Having said that, P is the more reliable one, and the one who cares more about me in obvious ways that really matter, and as I can so far talk to him about anything, P is also the one who will make a huge difference in my getting better. I'm finding his not hitting on me is creating a safe place out in the world, which is taking me a while to process really. But I appreciate feeling truly safe with a man, and truly respected by him, so�I don't know maybe I'm trying to contemplate having self-esteem at some point in my life. I guess I've just gotten hit on too much this past year, so maybe it's a relief over that.

Me and P are both taking a class about death and the processes of grief. And it's doing exactly what I hoped it would do. Basically it's ripping off the bandages and exposing the numerous stitches of my devastated heart. I've teared up in class both times, and I've come home and cried more. So much is swirling around in my head now, and I'm remembering feelings and memories I had lost touch with. Some of these I feel I want to keep private, but at the same time always get praised for speaking up about them when I do, as I did today in class. So I feel in some ways I should talk about them and, because of the reactions in class today, I might. My experiences with death have been very few, but my losses through abandonment and rejection are too numerous to count. What I've appreciated in this class is the many handouts on the grieving process itself, as well as the process and events which break down a persons sense of self or identity. It's giving me new perspectives on my life, which I'll share soon, and starting to give me places to categorize my own pain and grief and process through it in healthier ways. I'm really feeling some pain though, and I know that I'm going to start needing to really vent about these things and not keep it inside anymore. I've been hating the way my diary has gone from shallow to worse, so perhaps this is a new turning point of sorts, in which I'm re-connecting with what is essential in life, not to mention myself.

Last night I talked in-depth with W. I really needed to re-grasp reality. So every question I asked him, I knew the answer to but simply needed him to tell me that my answer to each of my questions was correct. The ultimate answer being the real reason he broke up with me. Which is that he felt that I deserve and need(ed) to be with someone who has the time to really be with me, which as we all know�W is not that person, and still isn't. But last night I felt more loved by him than I have in quite a while, and for that I feel grateful. We discussed all of these tear-jerker questions because it was all related to F, and how he is even busier than W is. Not to mention how he has been seriously standing me up and not calling, but when we are together totally hitting on me (un-reciprocated as of yet). W put it in a simple line of two words � "forget him." W also agreed that I'm a tad bit of an emotional masochist, and so I seem to attach to people who will pick at my wounds instead of people who will (metaphorically) nurse them. So, I made a promise to W, and to myself, that I will wait to be with someone until I find a man who will really be what W wanted to give the opportunity to find. This is of course easier said than done when F hugs me, kisses my forehead or cheek, and well�plays nice. He does however have enough turn-offs that I might be able to manage to keep my pants on, despite his moves on me. I just hope I don't get desperate and suicidal while we're ever alone because � well, it's too easy to throw my life away in a desperation to simply feel loved by someone, it just is. Maybe that will change soon with P hanging out with me, because that safety is nicer.

On Halloween I didn't dress up as I spent the whole day cleaning the old apartment, but I got to play with a rather large grasshopper:

I also saw a locust with amazingly beautiful yellow wings. It struck me that they look half butterfly and half grasshopper, and they also grunt as they fly. They're fascinating, really.

I know I have more to write of than this, but I guess this is all that wants o be voiced at the moment. Maybe the rest will go into a private entry this weekend after all.

~e

P.S. Altoids peppermints make me sneeze.

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017