Wow, it really is snowing here in Santa Fe. we got about 5 inches (9cm) in 24 hours so far and it's still coming down. Today I just felt agoraphobic, really. I needed to be inside, but wanted to be outside, but didn't want to leave the house to be outside. One of those now familiar days. I did however manage to go out on my porch, one time with shoes and my kitty, who didn't quite know what to think of the snow and let out an uncertain meow almost as if he was saying 'what is all this stuff, i don't like it, make it go away i want to be outside for a while.' Then again he could have just as easily been saying "oh god, it's cold, what is it?" And the second time without shoes, after he ran out on the porch and was acting as if he were going to jump off it, so I ran out in my bare toes to stop him. At the moment there are boot prints, cat prints and foot prints on my porch.

I'm seriously considering unlocking my vale of enna...that beautiful valley that holds my pre-college, heck my pre-leaving the house and friends to go places with days. God, pre-lost virginity days, pre-html design days, pre-able to go to school by myself days, pre-owned by feral kitty days, even some pre-josh and eric days...yeah I think I should. It definitely is my past, even though I still remain very much agoraphobic. But still, I feel most proud of against the sky, which because of my honesty with W, will remain locked for maybe forever. But all the same, here I am, making my way through the crowd, and adjusting to the knowledge that I can now eat in some public places. What a year...

I put some meta tags on my diary, and geez, yeah so I've been googled by 6 people in two days, and my diary has been read in full (50+ pages) by quite a few of those people. I feel really honored, actually. And to the many people who've read my diary this week...thank you. I"ve come a long way, and this is a good little place for my voice to live.

I have much more to say, but for now, i'm going to go enjoy my soon-to-be publicized long (maybe three entries long) entry and a couple more agoraphobic hours...and then thheres the snow. And the hope of seeing my (doesn't want to be) beloved W again.

in closing...my friend P thinks that I'm truly going to shine one day, really brightly. And that I have a lot of work to do in this world that will help not only other peopl with disorders and agoraphobia, but everyone, just as I've helped him. I live for that day. I really do. Maybe even just to give a bit of meaning to all the years of suffering.

~e