lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Monday, Dec. 25, 2006 - 11:23 pm

=*=



and I'm still waiting...

Christmas has always been an unbearably hard time of year. All the times my "family" or "friends" walked out on me, it's been during or right after Christmas. I've always felt that if I was going to kill myself, it would be on December 25th because it's that unbearable of a day for me. And despite numerous well meaning people in my life, it hasn't been any better this year. Oddly enough were it not for P calling me this morning from too many miles away (he's back in California till mid January), I'd have received nothing today. But a 10 minute long-distance phone call from P is a good gift, and he promised�?a membership to something. I didn't want to know, so I'm asking him to keep me guessing till I figure it out, which I won't cause, well, I'm neurotic enough to know that a membership to something could be a membership to *anything.* I need to have some sort of endless possibility right now.

Last night, after talking, then flirting, then fighting with W on AIM (he called me a retard), I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up at near 11:30 am, my eyes were puffy and swollen, my lips tasted salty, and I felt the heaviness in my chest of knowing I had absolutely nothing to do, no place to go, no one to visit, and no one to visit me. Not to mention no presents to open, or to give, or any people close enough to really care if I did have any of those things. I've never felt that I was such a justified name-called "retard" in my life. So maybe I am.

But, retarded or not, I have P. I know he cares, and that I'm in his thoughts. How do I know? He just called me for two whole minutes, to tell me so. And I am grateful...even if he is just one 'people.' And even though he is way too far away.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017