I've just annoyed W into signing offline. Go me.

I should be finishing my semester long entry. instead I'm crying and feeling absolutely alone, used, rejected, and incurable. Every day that goes by is one day closer to everyone leaving. To Josh not visiting me. To P leaving for the other SF. I won't miss 2006. I've cried through most of it. All I know that will happen in 2007, none of it is good. All of my hopes are going to shatter this year, because my only hope was that someone would stay in my life for the first time in my life.

I really sincerely want to disappear. I don't want to be or do or feel anything. I don't want to live through the things I'm going to be living through this next year.

In so many ways I'm sorry I've tried at all. Stressed myself out over what? Proving my intelligence on multiple choice tests? Proving my existence is utterly pointless but that can i write about that fact brilliantly?

When people meet me they think I'm the greatest person they've ever met. Then they leave just the same. This year, these people are no different. I can beg, plead, cry, ask to have my time and their time coincide for a cerain alotted amount of time, but it all goes by and fades away...just like them. And I'm left, feeling what I'm feeling for feeling that I want someone to visit me for once, to spend time with me, to be here with me for...me. And on this New Year's Eve, all I am is alone.

No matter what I do, I can't shake the feeling or knowledge that I really shouldn't be in any place i find myself standing. "No Kats allowed." Even the book for my TS class, has normal familial issues as causes for self-esteem loss...not lack of family as the cause. Here I am again, clawing out my little nook. My little place to show I'm different than everyone. And tonight, when I should be getting kissed by W at midnight, I'll be crying over the fact that he's happily wherever he is, without me.

~e