So yes, my diary does deserve to be written in. But all the same I need a life.

English took a turn for the worst today, and I may flunk my paper because of it. So our teacher, as it turns out does not even attempt to look at or give advice on the drafts, she only looks at the final product, which is due Tuesday. It's up to you and my (honest to god relatively illiterate) classmates to edit each others work, and as none of us has a clue as to what we're looking for or doing, and as of today it's become a pretty big disaster. So after I got home today, and looked over my stupid classmates comments, and ideas for my story, one of which kinda got my story, and the other one was utterly clueless, and then after also looking at my teachers rules for the final draft, I cried pretty decently. My paper is shit, detailed, descriptive, dialogueless shit � that if written in book form could probably get published, but as it is, won't pass my pathetic class as it has no conclusion, no dialogue, and will be one page too long and no can't be edited down any further. Also, I have no people to put in my life stories in order to write dialogue. My whole life I've been pretty isolated, and it depresses me to state otherwise. So if I made up imaginary happiness, I would never finish my paper, thus, no or little dialogue exists in my stories, as I am the only character experiencing my world. As it was I got depressed over my lack of choices. I've never really worked, and the library job doesn't count. I've never rescued a person. I've never been able to be utterly selfless for someone, although josh seems to feel my fucking Will was a selfless act. But no, I can't write of that. I've never had to choose right or wrong, really. I've never been misinterpreted as bad for doing something I intended as good�and these are my subject choices. So I picked the sense of right or wrong choice, where something needed to be changed�but I'm so tired and don't understand what my teacher wants. Or at least I didn't till today.

I've also been really horribly depressed that P is leaving in 3 months. The other day I told him that I'm mad at his gf and one of the reasons why. He understood.

I don't know if I'm going to want to be at the college without P there. Really I'm starting to not care if I go back, or show up at all. And so far it's hurt more to trust the people I've trusted than it ever did to just be alone, and not know anyone. So maybe I'm shutting down again. Maybe it's not as bad a thing as I once thought it was. Life wasn't that bad in my room, I didn't have to deal with asshole people at school and shit-topics for papers that don't matter except to get a grade.

I went to school to escape being me, and here I am and every fucking class is being turned into a psychotherapy session. It's exhausting. So there are things i could write of that would fit my three main topic choices. I could write of my violent drug addicted fater and how he promised to kill me, and how i ad to decide to cut him off. Or I could write of getting the crap kicked out of me att and deciding to try to commit suicide. Or I could write of my family, and the selfless acts they show eachother by enabling each others drug abuse, violence, and readily availible bail money. Great topics!!

~e