It's been too long since I've updated. Really. I'm exhausted from class/lack of good sleep. My lil Shadow Boxer was being so good, he wasn't going behind my computer and eating my cords, or eating my socks, he was simply sleeping - and tossing and turning in his one spot on top of my filing cabinet. So my filing cabinet was screeching, and the box he was lying on/in was making odd whooshing sounds, so it kept me awake till 4 am, when I finally got fed up and put him in front of the window in the other room. Because of all of this I can't remember what I've written of, so if I repeat something, oh well. Oh, I also have very little reference to time, so all of this happened in the past two weeks.

Basically, I've gone completely ignored by the majority of people I know. So Josh�is really non-existent in my life now. P�He only talks to me at school now, and today he mostly talked to other people. And no, I couldn't tell him how much it hurt me to have two weekends in a row where he didn't call me as he'd promised to. W hasn't talked to me since Thursday, and really as no one else did either, I was in tears as I called him tonight. Yes I did. Well, he wasn't responding to my IMing, he doesn't read email, and would not appreciate if I showed up at his doorstep, and so�I called, crying. In tears - ME. I know� So now my ex-bf is my only apparent semi-consistent semi-friend I have here. And despite the awkwardness of it, as we haven't spoken by phone in months, it was a good call.

The highlight of my day today though, was the fact that a lady bug, all cute and tiny and red with at least 10 black dots, took to P, and because of this I got to play with her for a while before she flew away. For this reason I'm glad I went to class today.

Having said all of this, academically my life is better than I would have dreamed possible. My English teacher is sincerely impressed by my descriptive narrative style of writing. So, without my knowledge she made 25 copies of my response paper to hand out to all of the students. She then quoted a freewrite response I wrote, to the whole class. She wants a copy of my first essay to use as an example paper for future classes. AND she wants me to read at the Expo � like to an audience, AND she wants me to submit my writing to the student writing competition � which, if I win will make me a published writer (well okay in the annual college writings book). Yes, all of this in just the first 5 weeks of class. Does it feel good? Well, it would if I didn't feel like my classmates were going to despise me � or as a guy I very briefly talked to who was in a previous class said, 'don't worry, just assume they do and go from there.' Lovely.

As for the Expo, I wish I had a real talent. I wish I had the ability to sing opera. THAT I would do, but only arias cause really, that's the only part of opera I really love.

I've started therapy with the nun. I have to say this: it feels really weird discussing your sex life with a nun. Like to ironic laughable confession-based levels. So I kind of voiced this today, in a round about way that really, I have no guilt over what he and I did, but I do feel bad about the many things we never got to do. And yes, granted she's like the coolest nun alive. I mean she's totally into yoga, and astrology based things, crystals, chakra healing, etc. So like, today I was lent a book of enneagrams, and I am fully #4 "the Romantic" AKA "The Individualist" � as if we didn't know that. The saddest part to me is that she really doesn't know anything about agoraphobia. So when I tried to explain it to her, it kind of went right past her. So she knows how hard it is for me to be at school, for me to go shopping, for me to speak in class, and for me to do things that, really at nearly 27 I should be able to do. Things I really am nearly killing myself trying to sart doing.

I've gotten really depressed over the weekend, because all of my good friends were not to be found. And having discussed such trauma topics as abandonment, my nervous breakdown at age 11, the reasons I dropped out in the 5th grade, the reasons we left Se@ttle, my father and family, etc. etc. I REALLY needed someone to say � hey�look, you're not alone anymore!! I'm here! But no, none of my best friends did that. So by Saturday and Sunday I was in sincere physical pain from the stress of having just relived past abandonment, and then dealing with the possibility of current abandonment.

On Monday I barely got my first draft of my second paper done, and I did so by crying my way through writing it just as I had done with the first paper.

I noticed last week that the sun is getting closer to facing my apartment at sunset. I'm thinking by late March I'll be able to see the sunsets each night through my bedroom window. And it made me want to prepare for a summer class. So I searched the catalog and decided, that if I can find a good pair of (most likely men's) hiking boots, I'm going to be taking a hiking class they offer this summer, one day a week for two months. Yes, it's going to be challenging to me both physically and mentally, and possibly emotionally. I mean, I loved hiking with W so much, but we were two people on our own time. This is a class with time restraints and goals. And yes I'm trying to discount the fact that I'm agoraphobic at all, for a possible opportunity at meeting other nature loving people, because truth be told I'm primarily agoraphobic only in this city/town. The most that could happen to me up there is I could get attacked by a rattle snake, or a mountain lion or bear, and I could slip and break something. No traffic, no people, no noises, etc. It's very freeing to not feel ill.

And now it's almost Wednesday. Blah.

~e

ps: my ex-bf just typed something really sweet, and since he doesnt read this thing, i'll type it here (hehe) "*****, you are one of the most committed, dedicated, determined and nicest people I know. You don't deserve the life you got." ...yes it made me tear up. he doesn't say compliments he doesn't mean - ever. At least one person likes me...even if he was an asshole for breaking up with me for no good reason.