I haven't wanted to write at all. In fact, this is most likely going to be my last entry. I don't want to write about how my life is still falling apart and unravelling while all of my friends, online and in person are literally getting everything they've wanted and dreamed of. And by summer's end all of my friends will have moved away, leaving me behind with no one once again.

I feel like such a useless piece of agoraphobic shit, and by summer's end I'll be a friendless piece of agoraphobic shit. I feel like a whole 2 years plus 12 years worth of effort to try to make my life better has officially not worked, and even worse, has only caused me more pain and stress. For the most part I want my friends to leave now; to get it over with sooner than later. And I don't want to trust anyone ever again, friend or otherwise. It is amazing how capable of that I really am, it took me 15 years to trust again, and less than a year to decide now that I never will again.

I tried so hard, and I did so much, and for what? to prove that I can get fucked over by people? I have to face it that my 16 year battle in overcoming agoraphobia means nothing to anyone, that no one cares if they know me, or met me. The fact that it took me 14 years to be able to go back to school, means nothing. I still have straight A's in college, and no one cares. And I'm realizing more and more that I got used by W, and that's all. I meant nothing to him, I continue to mean nothing to him - and even worse, my trust in him meant nothing to him. All of my positivity and happiness with him, and he dumped me for no reason at all. My life is so meaningless, and without family or friends, it's utterly pointless. My trying to get better to be part of the world, remains what it always was: a failed attempt.

So, this is it, I'm not writing anymore at all. There's really no point.

~e