I couldn't sleep all night. So I'm quite tired, still.
The other night I dreamed that W asked to get back together with me. We of course then went on to making out/up and making love for a long time in the dream. It felt real. And then I woke up, completely alone. It kills me to dream of him. I think that is why I felt so bad yesterday, and why I couldn't sleep last night. I was afraid of dreaming about him again.
And yesterday, I didn't feel like I belonged at the college at all. I paused briefly at the doors and felt panicked. I haven't been on campus since late June so I understand my brain and why it does this, but it's still hard. I went into the financial aid office, and they need one last income verification paper from me. So I have to go to the SSI office soon. I never got to talk to the financial aid director.
After that, I talked to the art department director who is horrified about what I and others have gone through in my class. So I have to write out my experiences of this class, so that he can do something about this. I was grateful for his kindness, and genuine caring and concern about everything that I told him.
After that I tried to find another teacher for Fall, who hasn't gotten back to me yet. But I never found her.
Then I went to the library, as I had 45 minutes to spare. I stared at the videos the entire time, and after all that time I got the moves, Wild Strawberries, Wings of Desire, and Mephisto.
Then I went and talked to the Scriptwriting teacher. And discussed the class, and requirements. I liked what he was telling me, as it seems to be a very intense, in-depth class. So, if I can go to school, I'll take the class.
After that went home.
And god I hate this entry. I left out all the neat bugs I saw: crickets, grasshoppers, a lady bug, some type of gold scarab type beetles, a butterfly, a huge red ant, a baby spider, a black ant stuck way inside the center of a tiny white flower till I blew on its tush, and it extricated itself and looked around like wtf was that? I left out the guy in the library who obviously thinks I'm not ugly. I left out the jet landing at the airport very close to the ground, as we drove past. I left out the odd guy I shared a ride home with, who kept saying "me too" to everything I said, but then asked questions because he obviously wasn't also doing whatever I was speaking of and had no clue. I left out the fact that I saw a former English classmate who I liked, but who I was also annoyed by. I left out that every guy I saw who looked like W in any way, made me think of him.
My last day of class is tomorrow. I have to try to paint more, to make it seem like I'm not as depressed as I am.
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