I feel like such a fucking idiot, and not from that previous 'doggy poo' entry, either.

The only thing I did today was watch movies, and clean my room. P called me briefly, but I'm so depressed that I doubt that I was interesting. We talked about death, because his grandma finally went. So His, W's and my cousin's wife all went in the past month. He told me he's moving in a week. And that he's arguing with his gf again. Good times.

As of this week: I didn't really 'get' Corpse Bride, I love Pan's Labyrinth, though I have an issue with one little thing�the faeries were kinda big. Small issue�but, I know my faerie folk. Maybe they're just Spanish Faeries, who knows. I cried when they�you know if you�ve seen the movie. And I cried again when she lost her mom. And again when she dies cause I want to die and wake up that way�I want someone to tell me that my life has been lived as a test to see if I'm a real princess or not. And I watched Doggy Poo. And I watched part of the movie The Fisher King, but as it was online, it wasn't playing very well for some reason. I liked it though, what I saw of it all but the last 20 mins). And I'll say this everytime I see his body hair: damn Robin Williams is hairy. And if I didn't mention it, I watched This Boys Life about two weeks ago and I liked that too.

Today I watched a documentary that I really liked. **THIS** was the only decent link I could find of him or the film, with the exception of **THIS** link. Anyway, it's called How to Draw Bunny, and is a documentary of the art, and life, and mysteries of an artist named Ray Johnson. The guy was seriously insane in a terribly intelligent way. I fell asleep for about 1/3 of the film because I only got two hours of sleep again last night, but the film woke me up and kept me awake after that. Yes, I found it to be that good.

He did awesome collage stuff that you look at and think�wtf? Wow�because at first it seems like madness, but then you realize that he totally knew what he was doing.

I technically stole these which is why they're also (hopefully) links:

Okay, now to the bitching�

I don't want to think of school, which starts in two days. The main reason I don't want to go to school isn't the schoolwork, the stress, or the time or money. It's the fact that I have to be "on" at school. Most people at my college went to High School together. They can be upset, moody, hung-over, hang off their friends to get to get to class. I can't, because I'm a stranger I have to remain approachable to be acknowledged in a positive respect. The first day of school I always see people being so happy to see people, and hugging each other and laughing. I'm all alone again, being 8 years older than everyone else, and trying to hide a pathetic bald spot. And then I have to talk to people that make me feel worse about myself. I have to try to please everyone or at least be pleasant to everyone, mostly faculty, but also classmates. I have to take my inabilities and hide them, and pretend I'm okay. I've weeded down the faculty I can go to for help, and am now down to zero. I write off the people who consistently lie to me or don't help or support me. And this summer made me not want to speak to anyone. I'm tired of putting so much effort into everything and getting nothing more than an A out of it. A letter on a pointless piece of paper that says I've been a good girl and followed all the rules.

School has been validating my insecurities for a while now. I can't speak in groups at all, because of the people I'm speaking to. I try, and I trip over my own tongue. My teachers all want me to go for it and do public things, submit my stories, read them to groups, etc. when I really can't. And then I feel like I'm cutting off myself from my dreams, because really acting/performing was my first real dream. But I can't. It makes me feel sick now, and I don't want to admit that my becoming agoraphobic at age 11 really screwed me up that much. So, really, I'm clinging to a seriously unattainable dream that if I admit to myself I'll never have, I have nothing left. And without family and reliable friends to count on, even being able to just live on my own, in my own apartment is unattainable. Forget everything else.

So I'm feeling really shitty.

And because of W, I never want to trust anyone again. I can't let myself. I'll trust people as far as friendship/acquaintance, and that's it. I really can't do this to myself anymore. I need to write myself off as "not fit for domestic purposes." I think the only reasons I try to talk to him is because he's the only person in this town who is willing to talk to me, and reason 2 is that talking to him reminds me of a time when I was really happy, when he was really kind to me, and I was thankful for someone being kind to me for once. Because I really was happy for about a month, and I haven't been happy since...and I don't even feel like I deserve better anymore. I always carry this pit in my tummy. I've got what I deserve, is all I feel, with everything in my life. And no, I don't really care if you disagree.

And I can't describe the feeling of glee in knowing a pelican taunted him and his plane and told him off as it was flying away, because he yelled at it. See, my talking to birds pays off after all, guess word got around. 0:-)

Last Thursday, my mom was given two antibiotics because a new doctor she found thinks the blood in her urine is from a bacterial infection. The only problem is the pills aren't doing anything but making the pain worse. So my mom has been lying on the floor all day today, and clenching her stomach if she dares get up at all.

And yesterday we were in a decent rear ender collision, cause some jerk lady wasn't watching and didn't stop in time. I'm fine, but really Agoraphobitch can use all of this to say 'don't go out anymore, really, look at all the trouble going out causes.' I'm starting to really hate Santa Fe.

But we have food. Including a 21 lb watermelon, the good kind, with seeds waiting to be spit.

And because when I'm upset, I clean�my room is cleaner, which is probably why I fell asleep. I used up my whole two hours of rest energy. And now I'm going to try to re-try to get at least two more, now.

e

a childhood friend is 27 today...happy birthday, Jerilyn