lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Monday, Sept. 17, 2007 - 2:03 am

=*=



It's not that I haven't wanted to write. It's not like I don't have anything to say. I, of course, have things I don't want to say but some part of me feels I must, or should, and it's not like I haven't wanted to share those things. I just haven't, and am not sure if I will.

When the world starts spinning I am always caught at the center, feeling equal parts afraid to jump into the swirl, and afraid of staying where I am. Being agoraphobic, this is my main center of gravity, it's where I begin, and it's where I ultimately end. And no matter how hard I try, I end up right back where I began. One way or another.

I don't really feel any motivation to be at school, despite trying to motivate myself to feel motivated. A few good things have happened, but not in the friend, or even potential friend category that I need to have happen. Generally not very good things have happened, like everyone continuing to ignore me, and acting as if they don't know me, even though they do.

W has continued to make it clear that I'm not really wanted around, unless he needs me to do something for him, which is like twice a year. And some things he said to me recently made me want to crawl into a hole and die. As I've said too many times, when your world is two people big it makes a huge difference what those two people do. And the two times I've seen him since school started, has reiterated that, more than I wanted it to.

And I'm not really okay, at all, but I need to believe that I am. I'm not dying so I guess I'm okay. But the loneliness is killing me, slowly. And I feel completely unlovable and undeserving of any adoration whatsoever. So if I get it it feels...fake, now.

Instead of doing homework, I've sat here all week, staring out the window. Watching children outside playing, and birds singing. And I've watched more movies than I can remember, among them The Whisperers, Who's that Knocking At My Door, and tonight a movie called Dandelion, which was really good for being so simple, and it brought up a lot of shit about me and W, and my life, and my lack of choices, and yeah�obviously it brought up a lot of shit, well that movie combined with a few other things that happened today...

Today I managed to make it make it to Walgreens to get more meds so that I can numb out and not feel and not think when I need to i.e. when I need to escape from myself (like right now), and about 20 minutes into it my mother's stomach started hurting her again, the same sharp pain, the same sudden swelling, the same near inability to walk. And so we barely made it home. A block. So that's my life now.

I guess I can sum up my lack of writing by saying that I just need to not exist right now.


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017