lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Sunday, Oct. 07, 2007 - 12:25 am

=*=


I'm on my laptop, in bed, warm and drippy from a bath. I have nothing good to say and am battling myself as to whether i should say it or not. I don't feel fully human anymore. I don't feel accepting of love or kindness or anything because all i really want to do is curl into a ball and not wake up tomorrow.

I'm really depressed, and even josh, who is going to be published a third time now, is getting snippity with me because of it. I've been pissy, because I'm utterly debastated at my friends leaving and the one person left here ignoring me. I don't feel like he should know me, or that he will like me when we meet. But then I'm the crazy girl who fucked a guy she lied herself into believing not only did he love her but that she possibly deserved to be loved.

funny. really.

I didn't get contacts because my insurance won't pay for the visit, and it will cost me $350 alone for that, plus upwards of $200 for everything else. So I can't afford it. I sat there for three hours waiting for my ride home and crying while people completely oblivious of me walked past. It made me feel worse. It let me know what a piece of crap i really am. And so it influenced how i will spend the rest of the year.

I can't see myself participating in the student talent show, or making friends with anyone in either class, or submitting my writing to anyone. I can't see myself volunteering, or attempting to do any more than accept my place. I figured I'm alone because that's what I deserve. And right now I can't believe that I tried so hard for this, for a friendless, lonely, existence where my classmates actually avoid me, on purpose.

it feels really shitty.

I haven't worked on my film paper at all today, and if i don't start again tomorrow I'll never get it done by Wednesday. My teacher doesn't accept late papers.

i already hate this entry.

I'm going to sleep.

e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017