I feel really stuck. My art project is really crappy. It's dumb.

so my mom thought up this great idea a while back: to sell our old books (cookbooks, art books, textbooks, etc), collected in piles across the livingroom floor, on ebay. But it turns out that if we do the food stamp office will cut our food stamps, so it won't do any good. We need to pay off her credit card and get my teeth fixed. i feel like i'm a criminal. i mean i'm living at 12% of the poverty level and i'm not allowed to sell my own belongings to get an extra 10 or 20 bucks. i don't know if i can even sell my textbooks on amazon, like everyone else is. I'd get at least $40 for some. we can't even have a yard sale, as we have no yard, and that too would be counted aparently. It doesn't even seem like i could sell an old laptop to get a new one, or our washer and dryer to buy a smaller set that will fit in the 29 inch space. I don't know anyone who could sell my stuff with their stuff and give me the cash under the table. i'm tired of being treated like shit by everyone just because i have agoraphobia. I guess my stuff is such crap that I'm just supposed to give it away to goodwill.

I've tried to get better and it's not working. And it just seems that if I don't get better then for the rest of my life, I'll be dealing with 4 different sets of rules: one each for foodtamps, medicaid, Section 8, SSI, and now financial aid. And I get to the same point where i really need other people to get to the next step and it's then that everyone disappears on me. I just deleted 9 screennames of people i haven't heard from in over a year. These people still exist. I'm down to three people in the whole world again, maybe 4 if P is still around. yes it's better than the one person (my mom) that i started out with. And two of those four people have actually met me. But i still sit here online 12 hours a day and do nothing but pull out my hair and try to do artwork, but as my teacher still has yet to teach I'm still confused as to where to start.

My life would be better if writing (my only "talent") didn't make me feel more alone and suicidal. Besides, P felt that my writing is too simplistic, and Josh hates all the description. So do I really have a talent? I don't even know.

I would love to be a student ambassador, but I can't do one thing they require. I would love to be able to mentor people, and do active society groups on ways to connect colleges together here, but everything they do you need a car. And an ability to speak to strangers.

I don't.

And now i have to re-live the asshole harassing me to write out a report for school security.

I can't possibly write of everything that's going wrong right now, and has since, pretty much my whole life. I just need a hug...really.