I haven�t updated my diary in too long, and truth be told if I weren�t so depressed, I would care. Since school let out 10 days ago, I have become one of those pointless, unproductive people who sleep in way past noon, and who cannot seem to do much other than move piles of paper and various types of artsy supplies back and forth to different places intending to write, draw, paint, take photos � like outside, of all the snow, etc.

But I�m trying.

I believe the phrase I used to use was that I was being a very successful agoraphobic, and yes, this is true. I�m currently also a very successful depressed person. The likelihood that the two are intertwined somewhere is immense.

School is getting to me. And yes, I got all A�s again.

No one else has signed up for the classes I was (�am?) hoping to take. And so it seems that if I go back in 6 weeks, I�ll have to not only take two classes I don�t want to take, but I�ll have to go on Mondays and Wednesdays, which are my least favorite days to be at school. I prefer Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The only thing I have managed to do is watch a lot of movies.

I liked A Scanner Darkly. Beckett plays, a lot of Beckett plays. Yes. No. I go now. Stop!�

Ahem�

I�ve copied 3GB of music onto my iPod. Podcasts - primarily educational, cartoon, and/or literary. And I spent $8.56 to buy 3 things: the only episode of Aqua Teen I really like: Kidney Car. �My overcoming Agoraphobitch themebook in audio format: �Oh the Places You�ll Go� by Dr Seuss. And a Portuguese short film called �Tragic Story with a Happy Ending� which I downloaded because of its hand drawn quality, and which I�m glad I downloaded.

Oh�I cleaned my entire room as I always do when I get to this point of not caring. It�s easier to throw things out when I don�t feel attached to anything. I found a spider and determined that my level of depression, at least on that day, wasn�t too low as I did care about that and freaked out when the 1 inch creature couldn�t be found.

I just feel like I�m my own worst enemy and nemesis. I�m tired of dealing with my fears, disorders, abilities, inabilities, and life � lack of. Did I mention friends? Oh�

Also, the guy I gave my # to, he called me from work almost two weeks ago, and he told me that he can�t call me because he doesn�t have a phone.

??

Why didn�t he say that to me when I gave him my # a month ago? Or the three times I saw him afterwards, including the second time when he again asked for my # having misplaced it the first time around.

So that made me feel �great.� And I don�t think I believe that he is incapable of calling from a non-workplace telephone, friends, family, payphone?

And I gave my former English teacher my #, but she has yet to call me and I have yet to call her. She�s only 4 years older than me, but she, like everyone else, feels much much older than that to me. It�s my lack of life and abilities. And I�m terrified of disappointing her, or making her hate me too. She mentioned us escaping the college and going out to chat and have lunch, and it seemed really exciting for oh about .25ths of a second, until I remembered that I can eat in public places, but with about 100 conditions. A recently discovered one is an aversion to utensils�every single thing I�ve eaten in public so far did not involve a fork, spoon, or knife. And then I thought I will have to tell her all of this if we are to be friends. This blew half of my joy out the window.

Oh�and for those of you who remember �Teabag��the creep who stopped talking to me when I told him I have disabilities - he is attending my community college as of 2007, I saw this factoid on a certain site�may I not be in any classes with him � EVER.

I know I have more to say, but zero mental and/or physical capabilities of typing any further, my apologies�

~e