i don't want to write anymore. i'm tired of it all. i stare at my computer doing nothing for hours. I don't want anything to matter to me, and i'm starting to think i am capable of that. i was staring at lists of classes today, and they blurred into meaningless lines. i really don't want to go back. my whole life got fucked over, literally, because of school. nothing has changed since the 5th grade.
I got into yet another arguement with W tonight. it fucking hurts to love him at all. i love a lie. We can't communicate at all anymore, and no matter what he says, it makes me feel like shit. right now i just feel like i'm going to throw up.
i told him that i officially don't want to try to write again for the rest of my life. the desire i felt a few weeks ago disappeared. i feel empty, pointless, and isolated. All semester, i told everyone that i'm a writer, and it felt like a lie - i didn't write one thing outside of the two required class papers - how am i a writer? i also really hate art, i don't know where to start, and the process is unnerving. Suicidal thoughts are back, and i feel ill. it doesn't matter anyway. p thinks my writing is too simplistic and josh thinks its too detailed and, he won't say the word, but he's let me know that everything i like is crap and without any point. And he's right. i like mental illness on paper, insanity is the only thing i know well. insanity and lack of trust.
because of W, i cannot trust anyone again. That was my testing of it, and when he admitted to me that he lied to me, made me believe he was someone different that he is, and used me, that was that - it. i don't trust anyone now. everything anyone says to me feels like a lie, and at 120 lbs i feel like the ugliest lump of sagging breasts and fat that has ever lived. i feel completely unworthy of anything i hoped for for so long. i'm the girl every guy wants till they find out the truth, i'm "crazy" I sit around in my pj's all day, and might as well be in a straight jacket with my level of independence.
i decided that i'm never giving my number out to anyone again.
i just need to crawl back into my box, and let Agorapobitch win...it's too hard to fight this crap and so far the world has let me know i'm not needed.
~e