It's almost 2 am. I woke up four times today over 16 hours time, and felt crappy each time.

Today, my mom was really not feeling well. She was having sharp pains where her bladder is again. She managed to make it to the food stamp office, both of our recertifications are up. She was told that they closed her case because she didn't respond within 10 days. Now literally they gave her three days time from when she got the letter, inbeteween Christmas week too. The law says you have 30 days, and the fucking idiot of a supervisor argued with her over it till my mom made her read her own pamphlet in the office to which the woman responded..."oh." So her case was reopened. Then, my mom explained that I have a school bank account where I deposit my financial aid. The supervisor told my mom that my financial aid will be counted as a resource (subsequently counted against me for getting food stamps) and limits me to total my bank accounts to $3,000 at any given time, including the financial aid, which according to her I'm supposed to by law fully spend within 30 days of receipt otherwise it counts as income. If this were true I'd never be able to go to a 4 year college, because I'd get twice the financial aid I'm getting now. However, this too is not anywhere in the law, in fact, half of this is nowhere to be found at all in the Code of Federal regulations or state law MNAC)(the financial aid as income), and the rest I'm fully exempt from (resources limit being counted) cause I'm on SSI. So, I'm upset. Why can't anyone here read anything, or follow laws?

My mom found a cheap used copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl at the thrift store. So I'm reading it next.

I'm tired right now, but I'm scared to go to sleep. I keep having dreams with my legs being fully cut up or scratched up and bleeding, long deep scratches down my legs. Unexplainably. This last dream I was at school. I wore a grey skirt, almost like I was at a private school, and i was minding my own business in an empty art classroom. When I looked down, my legs looked like they'd been shredded and were bleeding. Though the blood was as thick as sealing wax and beading up on the wounds before dripping. I walked down the hallway past the row of lockers, trying to find mine, looking for or wanting something from my locker. I couldn't find my locker. The hallway started spinning. I heard people laughing and talking. I looked down again at my legs and touched the wounds and it did feel like warm sealing wax, but it covered my hand like watered down paint. There was no one anywhere to be seen, only the voices and laughter. Then I went to go back to the classroom, everything was still spinning and I felt weaker and I felt my heart pounding, when I woke up.

The only dream interpretation site I went on said that if you dream of wounded legs it means you will contract malaria in the next year...oy.

So, I'm actually very sure of what it means, but i don't want to go into it too much. In short, school is starting to destroy my desire for independence (wounded bloody legs). I'm just as agoraphobic at school as I am here, I'm only so in a public, exposed, place (the skirt, and fully visible wounds). Facing that and why I don't have friends (the talking and laughter without seeing anyone) is really hard. And my inability to find my locker means I don't have a safe place that is mine to get what I need (to get supplies to stop the bleeding and care for the wounds) at the school.

thats my interpretation. At first I thought it's cause I'm feeing suicidal, but I didn't want to die in the dream at all, I wanted the bleeding to stop. so...

I don't want to go to sleep now.

I know I need therapy. My mom was looking for a counselor for me, and my luck with counselors has been about as grand as a zoologist discovering a pile of dung, but I need to try (again). I need to at least talk to someone and do something other than school/home. My suicidal thoughts are actually scaring me, because not existing, even if it's permanent, is starting to feel welcoming. Also as long as I don't have friends here, and as long as I'm this alone and afraid of trusting, and dealing with so much because of school, I need someone here to reason through my neurosis. Anyway, theres a woman here who at least has a great bio and deals with exactly what I need. Childhood and family substance abuse trauma resulting in severe anxiety and depression. She's a writer and so she does therapy for anxiety blocking creativity. etc, sexual relationship things too...not going there tonight. And she takes my Medicaid insurance.

So we'll call her Monday and see.

I think that's it, I felt lonely and emailed my former English teacher, and three other faculty members. They won't read them till Monday. :-(

It's almost 3. I think I'm going to go read till I pass out.

~e