I should be reading my music book. But I have things to write about, and I need to keep up with this diary too, or I will lose my mind from stuffing everything too much, as I have in the past.

I got through my Psychology readings for the week. The first chapter is rather dull and it took me all day yesterday to read it - 35 pages, plus the intro to the book. My music book is now open in front of me on my table, which is in front of the window. I'm bouncing between utter lethargy and having just enough energy to get through. School is about prioritizing, and I'm not quite with it yet this time around.

obviously.

Last Tuesday, the illustrious W actually did show up - at 4:40pm - 40 minutes after he promised, and about three hours after I asked to meet up. There's no point in seeing each other when it's too dark and cold to do anything, as was once again proven. When he first drove up he was acting like he was about to run me over, which he joked about and I said quite seriously I wanted him to. He stopped laughing. During the final daylight hour, we had a small, albeit COLD, adventure up in the Sangres�he took me hiking, in about 18 degree temperatures (-8C), in the snow, some of it yellow�ahem. Now, I was wearing my skecher tennis shoes, not snow clothes. My gloves did not keep my hands from freezing. W looked rather cold, though he lied and said we was just fine despite being totally crunched up and asking if I was ready to go after the � mile mark. Hehe. We walked the very easy Chamisa Trail for maybe a mile total (up and back), for at least a half hour. I took photos the whole way, one of his frozen ass walking 10 feet ahead of me as he did the entire way. No, we didn't speak to each other. Yes, I wanted to cry. No, I didn't. When I realized he wasn't going to actually hike WITH me, I took my sweet time and enjoyed the hillside and trees instead, and he didn't notice a bit till he looked back and realized I was 30 feet behind him and he stopped. I didn't particularly care by that point, and part of me wanted to get lost in both senses of the phrase.

I like a lot of the photos I took, though I can't explain why some blurred. They're on flickr for those with access. I may or may not post them on here.

I loved the way the trees clung to the snowy mountainsides. I loved the solitude and quiet, only once broken by a raven crying out. I loved the setting sun illuminating the trees on top of the mountain. And I loved the way the trail got less and less trampled the deeper we went. At one point the aspens and pi�ons began to crowd closer and closer and the sky above was entirely webbed with vining tree limbs. I was listening out for water dripping, and hoping to hear the streams I normally would hear up there, but they're still frozen.

My stomach was growling the whole way and wouldn't shut up. No I hadn't eaten anything at all, and no I wasn't about to.

As we walked back, he wanted me to walk ahead of him, but I refused thinking he'd leave me there. Where he would go I don't know, but he's been so mean to me that I feel I have a right to be paranoid.

After we got back to his truck, he tured the heat on, then went out to the field where he contributed to some of the yellow snow :-x It's weird watching guys pee�

Anyway, so, after that we talked a bit about what to do next. I didn't have any ideas, but we drove back down the mountainside as the sun was setting, and I got some really beautiful photos of the sunset over the entire city. We drove around a bit after that, and he went downtown. He parked and went to get out, and I told him I wasn't eating in public. He thought I was joking. I wasn't. He realized I wasn't and we sat there. For some reason the day seemed so pointless - two people pretending to not despise each other. Pretending that anything we did wasn't to keep from hating each other. Looking out at the old adobe shops, and watching young girls walking down the street looking much like me in their hoodies, made me seriously depressed. We were pretending nothing had ever happened between the two of us. The only other thing I managed to say was: "I really hate this town", and I started to tear up. I didn't feel welcome to even leave his truck. He just sat next to me, and stared at me. After about 20 minutes he started up his truck again, and drove me all the way back to his apartment. He left me in the truck and told me he'd be back in a bit. I sat there wondering if I could off myself then and there. I thought of my dream, in that same spot, where he had a new girlfriend and I stood at that corner and she told me to get lost and I walked to the highway and jumped in front of a semi-truck. I thought of that dream and I didn't turn the heat on in his car like he had asked me to. I just sat there.

When he came back, he handed me my book, "The Little Prince." The tears in eyes reflected beautifully in the street lamp. I said "thank you" but smiled and told him he'd forgotten the other one. He told me he didn't know where that one is. And then he hugged me and said, "you didn't turn the heat on".

He just sat there, holding me, and I nestled my head on his shoulder. We didn't say anything till I started talking. I told him I can't take anymore at all, from anyone. And that I know I'm relapsing. He begged me to not give up. I didn't say much more, because he was already tearing up on me. But I told him if he's hungry to go get himself some dinner, which we did.

I stayed in the parking lot while he went in to get a hamburger and French fries. When he came back he threw French fries at me trying to get me to eat something. After he was done eating we talked, and I brought up some things that have been bothering me. Not just about him, but things in general. After about 10 minutes, he laid down in his truck, and I, knowing he's as ticklish as I am, tickled him�that started a really fun ending to the night. We finger wrestled, we laughed, we picked on each other, he played with my camera, took 45 really bad photos. Then drove back outside of the city and stared at all the lights. We drove around till 9:40 pm, stared at the moon, talked more about things with school, when he started running out of gas and had to go. But he promised he'd take me somewhere again soon, and gave me that 'please don't give up' look.

That was basically my night, sans a few deer crossing signs, and dog turds�

Wednesday was the first day of class for me. I showed up early and again felt out of place. I got my accommodation papers. And I sat before classes in the hallway, the only spot with an internet connection in a quiet space besides the library. I tried to calm down, but I'm always scared. Long hour condensed�I found out that one guy who does speak to me at school from a previous class, is getting out of class when I'll be in that hallway, so he at least can't avoid me. hmm.

Well, at 15 minutes till 4, I shut down my laptop, and braved the hallway. Walked the unbearably long passage-way to my classroom, beside a girl who would end up in my class. We opened the class door and were greeted with a "STAFF ONLY" sign�quite a pleasant way to be greeted for class�ahem. But three were a few people in the classroom, so we went in. What would be revealed as Iranian music was playing, and a baby grand electric piano was off to the side. If I were the only one in the room, I'd have gotten up and touched the piano�it's been too long, really. But if I had, I would have witnesses, so I stayed put. I noticed little things I hadn't noticed the first time I was in the auditorium. There is a sign posted saying "90 seats." The "wall" of the "stage" area is actually a disguised blackboard. The carpet is raspberry pink. The teacher is loud, very west coast. She is not the kind of woman you could mistake for having grown up in say, England or Wales, no. She is pure stock American. As the hour proceeded I was more and more lost. I apparently still have zero ability to decipher rhythm, or meter outside of � time. My only nemesis during my childhood music days was that I could play piano, but not with a metronome or when counting unless it was a waltz. Either my inability will stay and I will flunk the class, or it will leave and I will learn something�I don't know yet. I like that the class is partially 'world' music, not just western. I'm not sure what else to think of the class, but 20 people spread out over 90 seats feels a tiny bit�weird. And it took me 8 times of reading the syllabus before I got what she said just about finals alone, I'm still trying to decipher the rest.

After that I ran over to the psychology class, literally a straight 10 foot jump across the hallway, lined with planetarium and NASA memorabilia. When I went in the room, I was too nervous to look at anyone. But I noticed a guy I've seen around campus and he stared at me in a way that made me want to leave the room, till he looked away. I hate that classrooms are so silent the first day. Ugh. There were a few other women in the class. The room was placed backwards. We had to get up and move it around when the teacher came in.

It's a full class, for the size of the room - 20 people in a room at most 20 x20 feet long. Luckily the desks weren't in rows, but in a horse-shoe shape where we were all facing each other. The teacher just went over the syllabus, covering the main points. The only part I'm entirely unsure of is the group project. We have to meet out-of-class to do it. In a class where most of the people are working, and I'm unable to go anywhere alone at night or off-campus�it's not going to work out unless we do it online. So I'm worried about this requirement as much a I am having to give a 15 minute finals presentation. We had to introduce one person to the class, luckily the female I was paired with for the intro is very very sweet. She must be about my age, and she is from El Salvador. <3 She wasn't judgmental of me at all. Abd when it was time to read our stuff, I was relieved that the guy sitting beside me was more terrified about the finals presentation than I was. Thinking back on it, I should have mentioned my quirks. My love of blue nail polish, striped socks, things that fly and cute bugs.

I had a minimum of 109 pages to read, but I did the psychology reading. It took the whole day, partly because I'm not motivated anymore to be in school, and partly because it mentions Freud�two times too many. But when I did the online post-test I got 18 of 25 questions correct, without doing review. Pre-reading I only got 8 right and those were guessing. So I should be okay this week.

At least for Psychology class�

Now Thursday I go to Philosophy class. I assumed (okay, I hoped) it would be mostly guys. Well, when I went into the room there was 5 other females. One guy walked in, and he looked scared and put his head down and didn't really look up unless someone new entered the room. By starting time there were three males and ten females. I noticed that everyone had the book, and most were reading it. This would be a first for any of my classes so far. So I thought them intelligent at that alone�what was to come was the best group of people I've been in a class with so far. Not that everyone 'gets' philosophy, but that they're curious, and, except for the ass who said we all choose to do everything and to be where we are at any moment in life, they're aware. I actually felt stupid for brief moments. I have a really hard time keeping conscious in class, but if I'm staying in this class, I need to try.

So far my class papers alternate each week, so there aren't too many overlapping during the semester. Okay, I know I'm leaving a lot out, but, I need go get ready for class tomorrow.

I just hope I survive this semester.

~e