I literally can't think straight anymore. I cried last night over everything that's going on.

I'm not joking when I say I don't know where to begin with my life this past week. I talked to an "adviser" at school last Thursday. She conceded that the music teacher is a bit nutty and unable to clearly express her own thoughts. The adviser, who is also a tutor, told me that despite the teacher feeling she is having us do college level analyzing and writing, it seemed very much a "9th grade level of writing" to her. So she feels, as she knows me, that my poor brain wants to really discect this stuff and compare and analyze it stylistically, and I'm not getting the opportunity. So I agreed, for the sake of stress reduction, considering my mom is still sick, I'm still friendless, etc. to switch the two credit classes from what it is now � Music Appreciation and Psychology to my subconsciously feared Psychology and Philosophy, however, my missing one day in Philosophy on the 31st apparently really effed me over. And I want to think it's not personal, but the Philosophy teacher hasn�t responded to one email I've sent since I last met with him in mid-January. He gave out homework assignments and supplementary readings on the 31st, which I've requested but may never get.

I've also realized some things. One is that a subject such as philosophy requires a good deal of time for discourse in order to comprehend the level of questions and arguments brought up over the past 2500 years, especially the pre-socratics as their civilization was so vastly different than our current level of scientific understanding. It's very easy to say, well, they were wrong�duh�but what they knew was very simplistic. I find it fascinating that they discussed a theoretical 'atom' and that they hypothesized about things which link all life together, but the conclusions they came to were ultimately wrong � but why? So I go back into the same circles I'm spinning in and want to discuss this stuff with people other than myself.

The other problem is that the philosophy class is "half" online, however he hasn't posted one assignment since Jan 26th, doesn't post the day's topic in case you miss class so you can still keep up, isn't posting homework, or supplementary readings, doesn't update or prepare us, and doesn't allow us an "off-topic" thread to have ungraded philosophical conversations with our classmates. The other regular philosophy course has already covered the pre-socratic philosophers, and the students are writing their papers this weekend. We have two more weeks for that, though we too were supposed to be prepared to write our papers this weekend�a weekend I have nothing but reading to do (reading I am obviously not doing). Because we aren't prepared, he moved the date up to Feb. 22. An online class is definitely only as good as the professor is in keeping up on what you are supposed to be learning for the week. Do I adore him for being so concise in what he wants from papers? Yes. He is the exact opposite of the music teacher in that regard, but I'm lost in both classes, really.

Because of this I'm equally afraid of staying in music, where I'm gong to have to write as if I were 14 years old the whole semester, and have a teacher as capable of expressing her own thoughts as a 14 year old, or philosophy where, if the professor could keep up with the online half of the class, it may not be so bad�AND where I'd get to write at my actual level of comprehension.

My music teacher is still pissing me off, and to be honest I care as little about what I wrote for my paper this weekend as I care about the class or her teaching style. I just made up a bunch of crap and felt bad because I really would have loved to compare styles, the classical style of Mozart vs. the meditative style of a Javanese piece.

Also it's still bugging me that the woman asked, not what accommodations I need her to provide, but what my specific disabilities are�I lied and said it's just my vision�it's none of her damn business.

My psychology teacher on the other hand, is a clinical psychologist and now knows I'm severely agoraphobic, told me that I could do the finals project myself, and if I get it up to 10 pages, I won't have to do the presentation. This is good and a not good. The rest of the class only has to write 4 pages.

Psychology class is the only class I'm doing somewhat well in so far, and have a normal teacher actually doing her job. The moment of truth will be my first test in about 10 days. But I know a lot of this stuff already, being that I got dragged through the system and analyzed by these people for way too long. I simply have to remember the vocabulary and be able to write a paragraph and bring up 5 points for one topic of my choice.

My out of the house adventures consist entirely of school and W. Despite a ridiculous cell phone problem on my part and cordless phone problem on W's part that prevented us from having lunch on Saturday, W did pull through Sunday night, and I have the money to get to school. And we had pizza under the stars like we did for the first time about 2 years ago.

It killed me to know we'd be making out and being fully alone up there if we were still together, but I had to hide feeling that, and when he mentioned the last time we sat in his truck under the constellation Orion, I genuinely asked him to please not remind me. The jerk still can't find the constellation Gemini. But I'm 95% sure I spotted it on my own.

We watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Kidney Car � both our favorite episode) on my ipod, and the irony of eating in the dark, surrounded by forest and snow high up in the mountains with beautiful stars overhead�but instead of enjoying that watching aqua teen�yeah it was weird�I'm not editing this sentence.

I don't know how many pieces of pizza I ate, but I wanted to stop after the first piece and he turned the hood light on and stared straight at me and said: "uh-uh � you need to eat, and you can't tell me you're not hungry." I wasn't really, but he did do everything I asked and wasn't complaining about doing any of it, so� Only after I grabbed another piece did he turn the light back off. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not noticeably 113 lbs and thinner every time he sees me, but when I met him I weighed 108 lbs, so�I don't know.

I finally got to subject him to 3 hours of my music. I took some pity and refrained from playing Madonna. He did find it interesting that he hadn't heard most of what I played and mostly wouldn't say whether he did or didn't like it�there were only a few times he openly protested to something.

I still want Nelly Furtado song Say it Right (*lyrics*) to be how I feel about him, and in some ways I think it may�I thought about that as I was subjecting him to it.

Anyway, this is all I remember right now. Despite feeling crappy from lack of sleep, I gotta go get my school stuff together.

It's supposed to snow for Valentines Day�it'll be 2 years since he asked me out. If only I could feel 1/100th of the happiness I felt on that day�and if only he was still the person I thought he was. The only thing he remains is the person who's been in-my-life the longest 2 whole years...

~e