there's a bit of a lighter entry *here* if you aren't into deathly honest diary entries.

So, everyone who gets within 10 feet of me or a diary entry these days knows that I'm going through a lot right now and that my world is getting smaller by the minute...again. And that I'm not reacting well to being this alone, again, and sitting here day after day without anyone to call or hang out with or talk to. And I chat with people at school who chat with me back, but it never, or rarely gets to to really 'knowing' each other. So i know a name and a face of people in class and not much more.

When I feel alone, I feel more suicidal and pull my hair ten times worse to try to relieve my stress, though it's not conscious sometimes. And I'm adjusting to not having Josh to talk to, and wondering if I should cut all my strings and tell W to go as well. At least W doesn't feel that any part of my life is my fault, not even him doing what he did...but still, there's nothing he can do to help me. And when he treats me bad or shoves me away, I feel worse.

At school I pretend that everything in my life is fine, literally. I pretend as much as I can that I'm okay, and that I'm doing fine. I'm a very sweet person by nature and it's hard for me to do much other than cry when I'm upset. I've had a few moments where I felt like I would burst into tears in class, and I'm sure my stress and loneliness is showing because I seem so readily in need of and accepting of kindness from anyone willing to be so. But you know you're screwed when you actually find reasons to go talk to faculty members you don't really like just so you can say you did more than show up for class. Or you find a reason to see your teachers once more in a week because at least so far they're being kind and it'd be nice to ask them that question in-person...etc.

In my attempt to be less alone here, I fucked up again. Josh knew I was going to. I asked my mom to help me try to find another therapist for me to see, someone to talk to, cry with, and let go of some of this shit. My mom called our medicaid insurance because they have only an old list listed on-line, and it has no info on any therapist, just the name and number. Well it turns out the people working there have the same name and number only list. We went through three or four care coordinators in a week because the first person I didn't call back because school had started and I was busy, so he closed the case, the second one got pissed that the three references she gave weren't willing to work with either of us, and somehow this is our fault???? So she dropped my case again and gave it to someone else, who refered us to three other places, who did just the same, and then another care coordinator called and gave 25 references which my mom had to write down by hand...many of which we've already seen or gotten a no from in the past, and three don't even take Medicaid, supposedly. These references include a few teen and child centers, two alcohol and drug treatment centers, which would be fine if either of us was doing drugs or alcohol, um, the state outpatient clinic that I went to before and has a 2 to 3 month "emergency" wait list and doesn't work with anything other than schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder, some private therapists unwilling to work with us because their specialties aren't what we need, or like one only does court cases etc. I don't see how this is my fault, but okay...

The only one out of, now, about 24 people willing to see me at all, has been talking to my mom, and trying to figure out what's going on...misreading and misunderstanding everything. My mom feels worse after seeing her and describes her as "she listens but misunderstands" and she's "very confrontive". I don't deal with confrontation at all from therapists, so if she's this way with me, I'm walking out. Also, the woman is claiming she "knows" a whole bunch of people who can help, but she can't remember any of their names. If you know someone but don't know their name, it's a bit probable that you don't actualy "know" them. Anyway, the woman called today. She wants my mother to take an anti-psychotic drug to "calm her". I didn't know you take anti-psychotics for anything but psychosis, but okay... She also thinks I need to be on "something other than Xanax" preferably an anti-depressant. No I'm not joking. And so she left a message, saying she called quite a few psychiatrists and none but one called her back...yes. She really did just refer my mother to the nutty psychiatrist who wouldn't listen to me over two years ago and mis-diagnosed me as bi-polar within 10 minutes of meeting me "because [my] father is" and actually said to my face that the 6 years I was stuck in the house - that that was a 6 year straight bi-polar low. THAT asshole. The guy who didn't listen the whole hour while I tried to tell him I'm not bi-polar, I'm severely agoraphobic, and have panic attacks, and minor OCD, and Avoidant Personality disorder, etc etc. and he didn't once shut up and listen. I'm not seeing him again.

But I see her next week, and I'm hoping she'll be civil. I'm not about to take new drugs unless they're specifically created for panic disorder or anxiety...like benzodiazepines were.

I'm exhausted and tired of this. And I really need support and people in my life. I AM trying, and I'm getting what I pretty mucjh always got on my goverment medical insurance - jack squat.

So, I'm at a point where if i flunk my test tomorrow, I'm dropping out, giving my financial aid check back to my school and calling it a life...because I can't function on this level without help. If none of the couselors are even willing to see me or support me at all, I can't force them to.

I'm really losing it, and I'm really tired and really feeling stupid that I thought I could do any of this for the past two years. I fucked my life up more is all, thanks partly to W.

I just need to get it straight that I can't do this anymore, and it's not my fault.

~e