haha...a spam message I got: Change from dagger to BROADSWORD!

how...medieval...where's my corsets and bodice rippers?

Part of me feels like I ought to change the title of my diary

to 'welcome to my roller-coaster'...Except now d-land is all

'dark' and morbid, I think I'll leave it what it is. Welcome

to my psych ward would seem more fitting.

I was so tired Thursday that I completely forgot the reason for

my shoe being so uncomfortable and needing to be removed. The

reason is because I bruised the entire bottom of my left heel

by accidentally stepping, rather passionately full-body weight

on the metal buckle of a belt while grabbing my 14 lb. cat from

a place he knows he's not supposed to be ...ouch. It feels

stupid of me to have completely blanked on that though,

especially the whole day.

My cat btw is bigger than my neighbor's mini terrier. :-P

Today, I'm finding myself much in the same place I found myself

yesterday. oddly enough. I should be doing my reading

homework, really, I need to, but I'm distracted by so many

things today.

I painted my toenails and fingernails blue today. this brilliant blue. not light, not dark, just blue.

I want to stare at the really warm blue sky, and daze off into

the planes as they prepare to land. I got to watch a little boy across the way play with a toy airplane, running with it in his hands, and I thought of my biggest regret and if he had a toy plane when he was little. It is so amazingly beautiful outside today, just as it was yesterday. If I weren't still severely agoraphobic, I'd be outside. And I'd have a mountain bike by now.

I've done my ranting on my dislike of the new look of this site

so I'll refrain for one more day from doing so again.

And I just realized it's March. omg.

This means counting down the horrid days of not being able to

forget the anniversary of my biggest regret - perhaps only

regret - of my life. Not so much losing it, but trusting him...

I really wish I had something more fascinating to say about my

day off yesterday. I got to chat with Josh, finally, but for

some reason the conversation wasn't important...a little

redundant actually. The kind of redundant that reiterates why I don't have any friends here. And I watched La Vie en Rose, and found that while I feel Marion Cotillard did a good job in the

emotional and dying scenes, the talking made me really annoyed

by Edith Piaf. If the woman squalked that much like a duck on

uppers, why make a movie about her? dang...okay, yes I love

Edith Piaf's singing voice, just some people should never

speak...like my music teacher for example. :-)

The movie did make me cry, and I loved the use of memory

throughout the film. That's all I'm saying. Kinda made me

wish I had the balls to sing in Cabarets to drunken perverts.

I went to write something that came to mind during the movie

and only succeeded in giving myself a dramatically begotten

paper cut. yes, I really do have a care bear band-aid covering

my boo boo. and I just noticed that Bedtime Bear on this

band-aid matches my nail polish shade exactly. huh...

haha

Philosophy class is interesting. I'm still reflecting on my

notes, and the oracle stating that Socrates was the wisest. I

do not believe what John Locke said, that we are born blank and

the senses create all knowledge. How would a baby suck it's

thumb in the womb if it had no prior knowledge or need of a

nipple? Babies wouldn't like or dislike so many things from the

moment of birth.

And psychology is bound to get better. I think I may do my

finals paper on a character's drug trip through his own mind.

huh. She said any topics covered, that would cover many of

them. especially neurotransmitters and neurons, drug use, um,

i can give him a disorder, altered states of consiousness, .

And maybe he got out of a hospital like a day ago, and he's

having serious thorazine withdrawal. huh, idk...I like weird

people.

The next chapter is on 'Learning' and includes conditioning. I

already know a lot about Pavlov's theories, and have

experienced some of his findings myself. Not fun.

There are three kids breaking a glass bottle on a rock...I don't remember being so destructive at 9.

I really need a life outside of my psychiatric conditions. I did much better when I left the house on a regular basis with people other than my mom and did things that I normally wouldn't do on my own, like: eating out, sex, hiking, making out, hanging out till midnight or later, train rides, sleep-overs, 4-wheeling, trips 40 miles outside of the city, sitting in a Cessna at the airport, you know little stuff like that. Dammit - that's all my ex's doing...and I miss/despise him for it. And I'm lost as to what to do with all of my feelings.

~e