I am still so distracted by diaryland's new look and now feel that I have to think up a less 'midnight' theme for my diary instead of doing my homework...which basically means that if i flunk my next test - it's Andrew's fault.

I have a total of about 70 pages that need to be read by Thursday for both of my classes. I read, and I don't remember what I've just read. So I re-read, and the same problem occurs. So I stopped. My brain is so stressed (not necessarily over just d-land) that I'm actually capable of listening to Industrial Techno. It almost needs it right now. It's beyond comprehension...kind of like the new layout.

Besides, with two devout d-landers now leaving my buddy list due to the inescapable depression of staring at the new layout, I am going to be adding other people who strike me as intelligent, respectable (not necessarily in the traditional sense), intriguing, thought-provoking, funny, capable of spelling, etc. I myself have written Andrew, ([email protected]) and let him know that we really need alternative options to this. Sorely.

But it makes me nostalgic for the old happy lavendar/blue...

Here's my story I've often told, but haven't in a while:

4 years ago last month, I was lonely, terribly so. We had just gotten the internet for the first time, and I had not yet discovered the joys of high-speed (good god!). I don't fully remember the details, but I googled something and found an entry by a woman who had a terrible fear of spiders - so much so that as she was suffocating one to death with RAID subsequently lessening her own life by a week, while on the phone panic-stricken to her mother...something about 'it's behind the toilet!!'strikes my memory. This woman made me feel better, I laughed actually. Here I was a relapsed agoraphobe, without a friend in the whole world, and I connected to something - to someone else's experience. I browsed others, and found another girl, Mary, who I am still friends with, even though she moved on to other journals. Mary let me know, without even trying, that I am in no way alone in the world. Her own battle with agoraphobia was there for me to read, and share in the devastation of this disorder upon both our lives. Later on my diary did so for her as well. (4 years later we are both in college getting straight A's) Diaryland was a happy place. It was friendly. It opened my world so much more than I want to admit. I remember having no intention of writing of my disorder till I saw and read Mary's diary. I came out of the closet so to speak and am still doing so without half as much shame...

Now, on the new look - if I had found this site and it looked this unfriendly I doubt I would have stayed. We don't need smiling flowers, I'm sure we could live without multi-colored tabs and gentle soft lavendar...but something other than what has happened to diaryland is so seriously needed and quick! It doesn't look "real" it doesn't look like a community of diverse writer-people, it looks like some guys personal page. Plus I can't find anything. And now two of my diaryland friends have flown the coop...and it makes me sad...and I'm writing in my diary that doesn't want to be all black anymore because even though I *love* this theme and even though it is my creation, fully (except for the painting top left), it is too black to go from charcoal diaryland to my midnight diary...

ugh...my ex bf is being weird too...god...he's typing me laffy taffy jokes. And I don't want to admit that he's making me smile.

I wish I had more to write of than this, but really, I don't.

~e