So, every so often I kind of "exaggerate" certain fears, not on purpose, it's just how I process stress, perhaps. But, I only missed one 1 point question on my psychology test. And as I saw the '99' and the A and realized that I got 99 of 100% on my Psych test, I was floored. And I heard W's god awful annoying voice (:-D) in my head saying..."See, I told you - worrying over nothing." Did I ever once think his Southern accent is sexy? yeah, we all know I did...well in my brain now his voice is like a softer kinder version of Foghorn Leghorn - but he was right.

The rest of the week's events, I did not over-exaggerate - in fact the counselor my mom saw told my mom that our insurance gave the names of psychiatrists who were: retired, not taking new clients, no longer on our insurance, only working with minors, etc. etc. The ass she referred us to was only because he was the only one who called her back. This basically means that most of the people on Medicaid/Value Options here have little or no access to a real psychiatrist. It explains why so many people here are self-medicating with alcohol. ahem.

So, the counselor told my mom yesterday that she has no intention of working with either of us, but was planning to refer us to people she knows (of) (she keeps forgetting to differentiate the two). So, I feel so weird now. I'm in limbo. My mom wished her luck. But, one thing that I can say is that this woman is horrified by how much both me and my mom have been through without getting any significant help from anyone. And how much we (stupidly) keep trying to find help. The only real help we've ever gotten is by getting on SSI, and seeing those few very good SSI doctors. I can say that during the time I was applying, the psychologists were very thorough, very compassionate, and very understanding of what was going on with me. Outside of those 3 men, I pretty much got squat or worse. (Keepin in mind though, that I was so severely agoraphobic at 18 that I could only go out one day a month for an hour or two, if even that, and that just about killed me). God that was only 10 years ago...

So, yesterday...class. I got to school early, and I sat in the main hallway to test myself and my anxiety levels...I don't know why I did this. I stressed myself out - duh. I got to listen to 4 intelligent idiots argue about historical things, like: was Alexander the Great before or after the great Spartan war, some Chinese leader who used grenades to combat his enemies, etc. Aparently these boys are really into the war tactic aspects of history. I sat in the hall and tried to focus and read Plato's The Allegory of the Cave despite them, unsuccessfully so. Then I talked to my mom a bit. Then she had to leave (she was at the library) and so I moved to a quiter area by the chemistry and biology labs. I read some of my philosophy book and found out why I can't be in any organized church - when it comes to "God", I think that every argument is right. This is really annoying to me. So I stopped reading it and switched to psychology, where I read a bit on a really interesting aspects of how to manipulate people to fear things. "Little Albert" was a infant boy taught by psychologists to fear white rats. His fears progressed to all things white eventually. They never kept up with him after the study was over, but who wants to bet he was never fond of doctors as an adult? :-)

In class we watched a video of Pavlov and his dogs, BF Skinner, Little Albert and we also got to watch a clip of an agoraphobic woman being guided down her front steps by a psychologist doing cognitive behavioral therapy - and I got jealous - they NEVER did that for me, I was on my own trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and what I could possibly do to get out my front door. (the answer was shopping and blue nailpolish - haha) But they mentioned positive reinforceement and that is exactly what I did, on my own thank you, when I was 18 - I bought myself at least one really nice thing that I really wanted each time I left the house - this was once a month and I was poor, but even a CD, or a book, or make up - I'm such a girl :-P was a positive thing after 6 years of not being able to buy anything for myself. And the positive reinforcement does work for a bit till it stops feeling rewarding, right now my positive reinforcer with school is the nearly $2000 in my bank account and what I will get with it. It should be the people, but no it's not :-(

Anyway, the phobia part...it got me thinking. I have serious phobias. I have serious fears. I fear irrational things. But what my first two remembered fears as a little girl were: 1) being literally alone/by myself/abandoned and 2) being bullied at school...now my brain did what "Little Albert's" brain did - it generalized that specific phobia to other similar things - I now fear being alone anywhere in public, and I fear all people social situations until I know that the people will be nice to me, or that I have a way out.

I don't know that it's true clinically, but It seems interesting enough that I thought of this.

I'm currently bracing myself for the abnormal psychology part of class as I plan to speak in class - like with people listening to me - I plan to say something like: for most people "mental illnesses" and addictive disorders are failed coping strategies - addictions, disorders, personality, stress disorders, etc. Often the person is trying to cope with something beyond their ability (even if it seems minor to you) and in a failed attempt to aleviate their suffering, they develop a means to try to avoid that suffering (agoraphobia, PTSD, alcoholism, depression, which is often inverted anger, etc) and while trying to escape from the stressers that triggered the original suffering, they develop a disorder which does alleviate the first trigger but creates a whole new problem. - I don't leave the house because I panic and can't easily find a place I feel safe if I'm on Cerrillos Road (that godforsaken mass of industrial bliss). So, I'm avoiding panicking by not leaving the house...it works! Except I don't have a life...then people judge me for not leaving the house/being able to do things which creates a triple bind for the person/me...1) they experience a stresser (loss, panic, fear, assault, whatever) 2) in time they try to avoid the stresser;"the event" that caused distress, not necessarily consciously/on purpose and develop some type of behavior/disorder to avoid the stresser 3) then after that they get judged by people who don't understand them or why theyre doing what theyre doing and they get labelled "mentallly ill" or "drug addicted" and often avoid them when the person tells them instead of help that person if they can - putting the person in a triple bind, when all they were trying to do was cope with something they couldn't handle. I mean, no offense, but being that I'm mostly just agoraphobic - I'm not doing anything seriously harmful - I really should have more friends than I have, and I should not have to fear telling people I have a serious stress disorder and fear their response, which has usually been to leave and avoid me. :-(

Too many people's idea of what "normal" is and how you should behave if you're normal and therefore be-friendable, are really messed up...in my humble opinion.

god dammit, why do I feel like I'm going to screw up my dreams of theatre and writing for a life of pursuing my PHD to stop the superstitions our society and even doctors hold about people? ugh...

no...

:'-(

But yeah, that's about it. That was my yesterday and some thoughts that have betaken my cerebrum...

My mom promised to do something nice for me, but at this very moment she is is a CT scanning machine getting cancerous levels of radiation in an attempt to find out what's wrong with her bladder...and I am home, staring outside at the sunny afternoon and wishing I weren't quite so agoraphobic (or had friends) as I'd be out in it.

~e