At school I overheard a cell phone conversation that went something like this: 'college isnt like high school where you pretend to like the people you know...it's a lot lonelier because you don't pretend anymore. If you don't like people you don't talk to them.' Being that I'm feeling shitty about being so openly avoided by people I've met at school. I'm really losing it at any hint of a reason as to why I'm being avoided. It's obvious that someone is gossiping about me, but who it is and what they're saying I have no idea. My former English teacher is also ignoring my emails. A simple 'hi' is all I ever asked for, since she is the one who wanted to continue to know me and asked me to come visit her in her office, and I did so...

And I'm about to have a nervous breakdown, partly from that, and partly because, well, you all knew what I didn't want to believe - that W 99% surely did in fact have an affair with the married lady...well, he just literally dumped on me the info that he's been with a woman in a serious relationship for a while (wouldn't say who) and he found out that she is going out on him on Monday - he heard them fucking when he went over her place...who wants to say STD's on a platter? yum...

I feel so unbelievably shitty right now. I'm like the only girl alive who wouldn't screw over a guy I'm with and what do I get...treated like shit and kicked to the curb. Me and him got into a huge fight over his lying, which is hard to do on AIM. And I told him that he's my biggest regret. I told him this because I knew, I knew in my heart he was lying to me. I wanted to believe him, but for the past month, in my heart, I've had this horrid feeling that something is up. So I told him that I know he's got a girl...he said "no. I don't." that same fucking lie he's told me since New Years...I repeated myself that I know, and then he got mad and told me the details of how he "did" but she went out on him so he doesn't now...and then he got more mad at me over various things and signed off.

I'm so sorry I ever believed in him, trusted him, liked him, was his girl and gave him everything I did. I can't do this to myself ever again. I can't love another person the way I do, because nobody deserves this. He lied to me from the first day we met. I'm such a fucking idiot, and my heart just doesn't know when to quit. And he's the only person I know here, still. I guess not anymore, even though I need to see him to give him his money. And he lost my Waiting for Godot book, he swears that too. I now think he's lying about everything, that included.

I'm realizing more and more that I really don't like being alive. I don't like this place anymore. People are getting more and more selfish and shut off. I don't like the struggle anymore. Everything is so shallow and the struggle to be something or have something "despite everything" isn't even worth it for me anymore. The fight is killing me. And I need to stop doing this shit, and putting myself in situations where I meet people who later avoid me. When I die I really hope that this is it, that you become nothing, that you never experience life or living again - I really hope for that on a level I've never hoped before.

I'm tired of everything.

~e