lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Sunday, Mar. 09, 2008 - 5:10 pm

=*=


This morning/afternoon, I woke up at 11:36 or 12:36, which ever clock you look at. Oddly, my cell phone moved the hour up, but my atomic alarm clock did not. It's usually the other way around.

If anyone is curious as to why, after 17 years now, I have yet to receive or find adequate behavioral therapy, this is why:

from the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill on America's overall grade for access and treatment:

National Grade: D

Category Grades:
Infrastructure: D
Information Access: D
Services: D+
Recovery Supports: C-

sources: **(America)**

The link to the individual states reports is
**here**.

My state somehow got one of the higher grades of C-

I have to do homework by tomorrow, but I can't think much at all. I've stopped eating again. I'm not okay. On Friday, a clinic my mom had called, called us back, and I ended up sobbing in the woman's ear. She was kind, but told me that the wait list is going to be roughly 2 months. She couldn't promise me anything. But I'm signed up to see a psychiatrist (oh joy) at the clinic in a week and a half.

W told me that he asked a co-worker who is getting her counseling degree to at least talk to me. But he doesn't know what area of counseling her degree is in, and she told him she doesn't know and won't get her license till the end of the year. When I looked up the clinic he referred to it's a drug treatment and prevention facility. So...I'm not keeping hope up anymore. At all. And yes I plan to cut him off for being so abusive and treating me badly because of my disorders, but I have to do at a time I'm ready. If I do it now, I'm going to freak out and screw it up.

The area where my gall bladder is has been twitching for 3 days. It's driving me nuts. I hope it's not my gall stones doing something.

Anyway, if I don't update for a long time, it's because no one reads this thing anymore, and I really don't have the stamina to write when I'm this level of not-okay. I don't want to go to class tomorrow either. My college is a joke. I just want to go to back to being fully housebound and stop this pathetic struggle to overcome the Agoraphobia and disorders by myself. My mom wants me moved out of her house, and really, I'm considering just signing myself over to the state. Where else will I go? I don't have family or friends. I'm disabled enough by my disorders to do that. I fit 3 criteria for inability care for myself, which means I can sign myself into the hospital at any time.

But before I do that, I just need to sleep and never wake up.

That's the joys of living like a sub-class citizen in a 3rd world underground nation hidden in the "greatest" country in the world. I got sick at age 11, I'm almost 28...how much longer am I supposed to wait to live my life?

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017