lillian m. blakey moon_window




DIARY
Newest Entry
Archives
Profile
Cast
About Me
Agoraphobia
Disclaimer
Diaryland

LOCKED DIARIES
Valeofenna
Againsthesky
Echos-Cry
echo-beyond

CONTACT
Notes

LINKS
eXTReMe Tracker


Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Tuesday, Mar. 11, 2008 - 10:14 pm

=*=



I'm at this point where I'm just letting things...slip. Again. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I haven't talked to anyone for a few days, and I don't know...last night I felt so alone, and I really thought about my life before I knew everyone I've known in the past few years. I felt that feeling every day for like 12 years. I was literally alone in the world. And I had this abyss that is supposed to be filled with friends and family, but isn't or wasn't. I still have it I guess.

It is W's birthday. I hate today. I don't doubt he's forgiven the wench who effed another man last week and he's most likely doing what he wants with her - part of me hopes he gets an itchy STD. He hasn't talked to me since Saturday, and to be honest, it hurts but not in the way I thought. It hurts because I don't feel I deserve to be with anyone anyway, not even someone who is mean - just anyone, and yet he already replaced me, probably more times than he'll ever tell me. And it hurts because I can't believe anything he tells me, including that his breaking up with me wasn't my fault. I can't forget that feeling of him being nice to me, and then feeling him turn on me. I'll never trust anyone again, anyone being nice feels fake now. And yes I hate myself because I get so happy and everytime I do that I get let down, and then everyone wonders why I'm pessimistic...well duh. And I have to sort through it all.

I found one counselor willing to see me at least. But I don't know, what I need to do more than anything is have someone help me come to terms with the fact that I really need to stop this and quit school and stop trying to find friends here without feeling bad about it, and realize that I'm going to be alone and learn stop wanting more.

So i've been crying off and on all day, and really needing this semester over with NOW. I'm most likely not going back in the Fall. Too many people are acting really weird towards me and it's making me afraid of doing things both at school and outside of school too...like I'm going to get attacked for being weird is how it feels.

When my van came after school on Monday a bunch of asses from a film class were laughing at and filming me and the van and commenting on it in ways that basically let me know everyone who gets on the only form of transportation I have is a total retard. I almost started crying when they started pointing the camera at me. I feel like buying one of these David and Goliath t-shirts. I really don't want to go back to school tomorrow. I feel like I have a big D (for disabled) on my forehead.

And I can't believe I really truly thought I'd have friends if only I managed to go to college...

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017