I have to start my homework...now actually...but first an entry. I haven't cut my hair off yet because W called me last night and gave me 12 minutes to get ready to go outside just as I was preparing to. I was feeling so bad and wasn't about to hide it. We went for a long drive because I told him to drive north till we get to Canada. I think he gave it an honest try. A beautiful coyote ran up a driveway in the headlights. At my request we listened to death metal. I'm not sure if I want to get into details of some things that we discussed here, but we (for the most part) had the talk we should have had a long time ago (I forgot some questions, so it was me not his unwillingness to speak). I trembled the whole time we talked, and he held my hand and then held me trying to calm me down. I asked him my questions, mostly regarding the lies he's told me, and he clarified everything, and wasn't an ass about it at all. He knows I want to cut him off, so he felt that if I do I need to know the truth. So the answers to my questions basically were as follows.

He told me that when we were together he really wanted to love me as deeply as i love(d) him, because he felt I deserved that more than anything. But he said as much as he wanted to he realized that he couldn't and didn't understand why at all. And he's not sure if it's because of my disabilities, which he felt shitty for having to admit. He thinks it has to do with feeling responsible to care for me all the time though, my lack of ability to be independent, that it wore him down pretty quickly, which I understand as he's not the only one who has said that to me. And our relationship, he said, ended up being one-sided, with me giving everything I've got "like [I] always do" and him meaning to give more, but really giving very little to me in return. And he said that while neither of us is better than the other, I deserve someone who is better than him; someone who will treat me right and take the time for me and give as much to me as I give. And he told me when he broke up with me it was entirely selfish, and he regrets not taking my feelings into account or discussing it first and letting me have some say in it. And I told him what it did to me, that I don't trust anything now, and he told me he's still really sorry that he hurt me so much. um...he told me that nothing I did was wrong in any way, and begged me to please stop blaming myself for both what fell apart between us, and for my inabilities/disabilities. He said if anyone is to blame it's him for holding back so much, and for wishing I could do more than I can/could and letting that get in the way of us being together. And um, I asked him about the recent fling that he lied to me about, and he was honest in the worst way possible for himself, that's all I'm saying. It's none of your business.

Anyway, we talked face to face for like 3 hours, I guess. And um, he promised me that he'll really try to not hurt me anymore. We both admit that we never fought while we were together, but we definitely learned how to push each others buttons after we weren't anymore. I let him know that if I don't cut him off (which I still may), then I really need him to be honest from now on, because the lies hurt more than the words, he said "okay". We discussed not speaking to each other anymore, but he made it clear that he doesn't want that. He wants to see me succeed, and be part of my life. He told me I do mean a lot to him and it was me that showed him what he has and is no longer taking for granted - like life itself and freedom and choices. I wish I was in that sentence a little more, but I'm not. And he told me he's sorry for being an asshole and a smart ass to me. He also knows that right now he's all I've got here, if my mom gets sicker. So he doesn't want me to feel like I can't count on him to support me, and help me since I have no one else in the world to right now. He also wants to help me to actively work on finding someone else. And he said that if I meet someone, even just as friends, he's willing to drive me there and sit near-by, so I'm not alone in public or as scared of meeting relative strangers in new places. I actually laughed when he said this as I got a visual of me sitting with a faceless man and my ex-bf peeking over the menu to check to see if I'm okay. :-P hehe. But that's my agoraphobic life for you. And I feel stupid for still loving him so much...but that's my heart for you. I have reasons I know...people in my life are worth more than anything, even when they don't deserve that pedestal.

Um...I guess that's about it, throughout the three hours we listened to music, we talked, we laughed, we cried, we finger wrestled, we froze, we hugged, he tried to get me to smile, successfully, I told him I hate him, I told him I love him, he told me he loves me, I told him he's an asshole, I thanked him...I don't know. I gave him the 80 bucks I owed him, he didn't want it, but I don't care. And when I left his car I smiled and told him I still didn't fully believe him. He just shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know what to tell me, and smiled. I want to though...really. Because for the first time he described himself and his actions in a way that made him look like a complete ass, which is not easy for him to do.

In the non-W sections of my life...while the test results are inconclusive as to my mom's bladder pain or blood in her urine, my mom's doctor said from the CT results she has advanced "visible" liver damage. This would be from accidentally contracting hepatitis almost 40 years ago. Cirhosis of the liver is not very fun, and 90% of liver cancer is from that. It explains the sharp pains in her side that she's had for about 10 years. She also has a thyroid problem, it's low, and um, elevated blood sugar levels. Her bladder is still swelling...as of yesterday. I'm still a mess over this as of today.

I contacted Oberlin College trying to find out rules regarding disabled students attending part-time, and got a really rude response. The Dean told me if I hadn't sent any enrollment application in, she wouldn't answer my questions till I did. to which I say...fuck Oberlin then. Okay, so my better half replied to her rudeness and explained it further. She sent it off to a disability worker there, who basically informed me that they'll allow it but charge full-time rates for part-time enrollment...this would be roughly $45,000 a year for 4 classes and supplies...oy. I'm paying like $1,500 for 4 classes and supplies now at my college. yeah.

Who wants to say I need to find a better (less elitist) theatre/creative writing college than Oberlin?? me! me! I do!

blah.

My left ear hole (earrings) got infected and swelled up a bit, and all gross and rubbing alcohol hurts like ****, but we have no peroxide. I think I'll be fine, but I have to wear earrings till it heals so it doesn't close on me. Wow, I've had my ears pierced for um...22 years in May. 6th b-day present. :-) Which reminds me...

I just downloaded the Dr. Seuss audiobook from my (old) library, and I'll be listening to Horton Hears a Who, among others, while trying to stop feeling stressed out over all of this (and more that I haven't mentioned). Like really missing Josh...

~e