I typed up my psychology notes, and now my eyes hurt a bit, but I need to write for myself too because I have a lot on my mind outside of homework. I have a lot of thoughts on therapy, but I am still processing many of them. So far the only problem with the counseling has been myself. 'Myself' being the main problem I've been having all semester. I didn't do what the counselor wanted me to do last week (making lists of what I'm focusing on each day, and narrowing down to noting positive focuses), and instead of getting mad at me, she modified her request. I now have to make a list of all the life skills and things I want to do but can't. 'Want to do' is the phrase she used, though it's in the non-agoraphobic sense, because truly, after 17 years of being this way, I 'know' I should want to do more than I am able. But really, do I 'want' to fight traffic on Cerrillos Road just to get a soda at Walgreens? Do I want to work crappy low-wage jobs? Not really. Should I be able to at my age? yes. She didn't like me using the word 'should' though as it feeds in to my perfectionistic tendencies, which she likewise noted.

The list I have yet to pen includes some of the following:

*all shopping without someone with me
*vacuuming (the noise makes me panic)
*getting the mail most of the time (I've only done so once in this building).
*taking the bus
*going for walks of any length by myself
*anything spontaneous (unless with a close friend)
*I still can't call people I don't know and can barely call people I do know. Answering the phone is problematic as well.

That's all I'm typing for now, there are more degrading things, but I'm almost 28 and learning how to do so many things for the first time.

I normally don't like going out on Saturdays, but it was the last day to get a printer at about 25% off at Staples, and I *really* needed one. I wanted the water-proof quality ink of the Epson, but with the printer and paper-feeder quality of the HP...Because the Epson wouldn't print a test page, I got the HP Photosmart. I have to say I really like it so far. And I printed out my 7 pages of psych notes in a quality-level in under 35 seconds that took 3 minutes with my old (R.I.P.) Canon BJC 6000. I also bought my mom a much needed wireless phone to go along with *my* wireless phone. Her only phone is the corded fax phone on her printer/scanner/fax machine, and it's dreadful. It could be 1952 with that cord.

Way before doing all that though, I perused the aisles of my favorite nearby store *Borders*. The books I will probably buy in the next month: Natalie Goldberg's Memoir writing book 'Old Friend from Far Away', The Tao of Writing, and The Glass Castle. The one thing I dislike about Borders here is that my favorite 'Reference' Section, which is primarily 'how to write' books, is smack in-between the sex and marriage shelves. So if I look over ever-so-slightly in either direction I am either reminded that it is possible to partake in 1,001 sex positions, or that I am un-hitched...same difference. And I find it amazing that most 'Sex' books are burgundy or red - like the whole shelf. While most marriage books are white... There was a really neat positive quotations book I focused on to distract myself from knowing how many drawings and possible photos of penises sat mere inches from my head. The book wasn't at all fluffy. It was just basically quotes related to not taking the small things for granted, or taking the hardships as lessons and being thankful for the growth, etc...I may get a used copy some day. After that I looked at my second favorite section the poetry/fiction/non-fiction/literary book aisles. Anais Nin, Sylvia Plath, W.H. Auden, let me drool...It's these aisles that always say to me...*you* will be here if you write, and then my ego says...and *you* write better than half of these contemporary literary fakes...when you do write...alas, some of their writing styles and plots sounded compelling though, I admit. If only I had time to read the 1200 books I've already got.

Then I went to look at the CDs afterwards, and finding nothing I had hoped to find, I left, empty in more than one way. Maybe I should have bought a bookmark.

It was warm today, about 18 or 19 C (60's F), and the desert air was really filled with 'spring'.

I didn't really do much other than that though.

When I got home, I set up my printer while listening to some Lamb of God and Pantera and mama bear read me the directions. I love the printer software, except I wish I could import individual photos I wished to print instead of it importing every photo on my harddrive.

I have to do homework tomorrow, and I'm tired. :-(

And I need more USB slots on my computer, 8 with the USB hubs isn't even enough! I own too many tech gadgets...really. okay, off to bed with me I go. Sorry this apparently was a brain drain entry. More excitement and a return to college in the next episode...

~e