lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Friday, Apr. 25, 2008 - 12:43 am

=*=



The spider has moved and disappeared from the spot it didn't move from for two days straight. I don't like it.

Despite the mini breakdown mentioned in the previous entry *here*, the week ended well enough. I'm still coughing, but primarily only when I speak. But I made it through the week just the same - 3 weeks to go! only 8 classes left, in the literal going to class sense.

Wednesday was so warm that I could not wear my hoodie. I was sweating. I knew my bald spot would show a bit, but figured wtf... I mean, people are going to wrongly judge me, whether it be my intentions, my behaviors, my words, my disorders, they judge - and if they judge me for not being able to cope whatsoever with stress, then fuck them. I felt that for all of 20 minutes till my stress levels rose as more classmates entered the room.

Before anyone came in the room, I admit that I snapped a blurry cell phone pic of my head just to see how much bald was showing...at that exact second, not much was, a little though. I can say, if anyone noticed, they hid it well, and I think most if not all didn't notice.

The youngest guy in class has opened up to me, as shy as he was a few weeks ago, he's not as much. It's nice to see shy people trust me, cause I understand what that means. I secretly found him on myspace, and as much as he totally stared at me the first few weeks of school, I felt relieved to now know he's seriously...gay. This means, possibly, he genuine thought I was pretty in a...genuine way. hmm. :-)

In class we discussed Bipolar disorder, and depression, and suicide...cheery! ahem. Yeah, I think these next three weeks will do me in. It's interesting to me though how much I refer back to the Grief class I took Fall 2006. We did 6 hours on suicide causes and effects in that class. As my Psych teacher mentioned it, I remembered my Grief teacher (also a nun) saying that more people commit suicide in this country each year than all the homicides combined for the same period. I thought about the 40% increased risk to fully homebound agoraphobic people after 5 years time of being stuck in the house, and I felt bummed about it.

I didn't speak in class. I felt bad, really bad, about it. But a couple of people mentioned disorders they have in relation to the topics, and it was nice to know I wasn't a total freak.

Today, while waiting outside, which I shouldn't have done, I heard something in the field out front that sounded very much like a toad. :-D I saw a cricket the same color as the rocks (grey) and a beautiful butterfly trying to escape from the winds landed mere inches from me and just stayed there opening and closing its multi-colored wings. I thought about what a short life they have and the process of becoming a butterfly. I always wonder if they know that I think they're stunning. I hope they know.

As for philosophy, I'm so convinced right now that I'll be lucky to get a B+ in Philosophy. The final test is worth 20 points, the final paper 25 points. An A- is like 22 points for the paper, which is just enough to sink me. With only about maybe 38 points so far, technically I can still flunk the class, which I find hilarious in a terrifying way.

Last Thursday, my philosophy teacher gave us a list of movies to pick one from for the finals paper. Each has a philosophical theme we are to write about. The ones that look interesting are Memento, and Rashoman. Another is Pi: Faith in Chaos, which I really liked it's, my type of insane movie, though I think it's beyond my scope of comprehension in mathematics and Pythagoras. Another is The Matrix, which I'm tempted to do, and another is Waking Life, which I own and never could get through without falling asleep. I watched it again and did the same thing...zZzZzZz...so, I've got Memento, I'll see if I can 'get' it.

And um, oh I watched Soylent Green, as I recently realized that every guy has seen this movie, and I haven't yet. Utter blasphemy. I had no idea that it was Moses who said the most famous line of that film. (Soylent Green...is people) But my mind has now been thouroughly corrupted, and yes i did squint when the guy was getting hacked to death.

After class I left to catch my ride, and two people who know me saw me and one literally turned around and stared at a blank wall as if it was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen, I assume in an attempt to avoid saying hi to me? The other is the same ass i'm now likewise obviously avoiding in return, I walked right past him with my head down. fuck him.

Anyway. Mama bear called my counselor to let her know I'm still sick. I chatted briefly and I'm not going in tomorrow, the psychiatrist she wanted me to meet with and who they determined could probably help me most is leaving, so I won't see the psychiatrist ever, and I won't see the counselor till May. I swear to you it's a literal curse that people I meet/need leave.

In semi-exciting not about me totally, but still about me in some small way, news. The guy who chatted with me after class last Thursday and gave me his email and phone #, well, things have gotten weird. He won school student body president today, but I sadly think I'm more qualified for the position and may consider running at some point. okay, I'm going to pretend I didn't just type that...anyway, this makes me by-proxy student body president of the school. kinda, maybe...or not.

I sent him a message on Myspace congratulating him and asking him to call me. He finally did. It went weird pretty quickly, and he said he had friends coming over and asked if he could call back later...I'm waiting...not expecting that, after his overt attempt to hit on me overtly failed, he'll actually call back. In fact he said something like, 'oh I thought when you asked me to call you, you were like gonna ask me out on a date, so I thought I better call her', but then he said" so you just wanted to congratulate me on the president thing. That's cool". Yes he really did say this to me. I could almost here a pin popping his inflated...bubble. Not to mention he's the least thrilled student president I think I've ever seen. He didn't know till I told him, and he acted like he didn't care once I did. I know of two in the two years I've been here, and they're pretty active and academically dedicated. He's flunking English again, on probation almost on suspension, and wanting me to help him pass so he won't be. Our school student body president.

Can my life get any weirder?

oh, and he mispronounced my name tonight too...

friend or no friend those are his only options. Maybe that will once again be 'so much for having friends'...And what ever happened to being friends first? if you like me s a person, i'll probably like you back, but if you hit on me without knowing so much as my birthday or degree i'm getting, i'll put up a wall...cause he's not liking me, he's liking my...assettes. (my two large breastessess that need to be reduced, seriously)

Men are assholes. Even the nice ones. But luckily, so far, not the gay ones.

sigh.

(yes Josh you were right, men apparently only think with and act like one particular appendage.)

My psych teacher lent me a book on a new thread of psychology called positive psychology, in the book there was a link to a free 240 question test to determine personal strengths, these are my non-scientific results: (source VIA strengths dot org)

Your Top Strength
Appreciation of beauty and excellence
You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

Your Second Strength
Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Your Third Strength
Love of learning
You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.
Your Fourth Strength
Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.

Your Fifth Strength
Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

I'm not sure what to think of it , it's kinda like a long version of Quizilla, but it's better than saying - 'oh youre a freak, this is what is wrong with you'

okay, since bubble boy prob isn't calling back tonight, it being almost 1am, I think I'm gonna go make tea and get ready for bed.

3 weeks, and my finals homework load is insane. oh, and I started on my summer reading list, which includes more Roald Dahl, and some classics, perhaps Logan's Run, Life of Pi, maybe some juvenile fiction, etc. We'll see.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017