lillian m. blakey moon_window




DIARY
Newest Entry
Archives
Profile
Cast
About Me
Agoraphobia
Disclaimer
Diaryland

LOCKED DIARIES
Valeofenna
Againsthesky
Echos-Cry
echo-beyond

CONTACT
Notes

LINKS
eXTReMe Tracker


Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Monday, May. 05, 2008 - 9:48 pm

=*=



Now I feel pretty crappy. I felt so unattractive today that I dressed as cute as I could, even wearing my goddess sandals with my newly painted glittery black finger and toenails. I felt fat, swollen, tired, half-bald, stressed out, the wind was windy and a thunderstaorm threatened to unleash itself overhead...and...my van was 40 minutes late, so I almost didn't make it to school to watch Sicko, Moore's film that just really bumed me out...more. Not so much the lack of healthcare in the U.S., but the mindset and payoffs from higher ups (trying to secure their higher status) that keeps us here. That and persistence in, oh, war. I know the system too well. And the fact that he only interviewed the middle classes, not the poor bummed me out as well - I wonder what happens in Canada and the U.K. if you're like me - unable to work, do you get a reduced form of care? Cause I can tell you that Medicaid here is horrid, - the way I've been treated, and how much I still have to pay out of pocket to get the things I need. More often than not, what I've needed hasn't been covered.

On a happy note, I got to see parts of Josh's city up in ol canada. I was actually happy to see that sign - haha. It does look like a stinky town...kinda looks like the U.S....:-) cept for the pub, we don't have pubs here we have taverns and bars - quite different. I admit that I imagined myself being married to Josh and sitting there with those people beside me. Didn't feel too bad in my imagination, actually.

The majority of people in the room were over 60 years old. I was one of only 4, who wasn't that old, and of those - the only female. I will say, not in a rude way, but that a few of the older women were having worse hair days than I was. sigh.

After it was over, an older man, who had mentioned that he was in the airforce to another gentleman, asked me what I thought. I was feeling pretty crappy, and well, wasn't about to play nicey about my situation. I wasn't rude, but honest that I'm terrified that our governernment will enact nation-wide medicaid to appease people, and told him my experiences with or government version of healthcare. He listened, and he liked the idea of a flat 17% tax rate for ALL, even the wealthiest as the only way true healthcare will ever happen. He thought for a second, and said..."that would work." Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that the American government is one of the top 5 most corrupt governments in the world, if not top two...the first remains China for its incomprendable scale of corruption and propaganda used to control its people. So, because the politicians are the CEOs now (Haliburton), the U.S. politicians pay off their oil buddies, and trade buddies etc. even the ones that go to China and India and contribute zero to our workforce and economy. These "buddies" are currently making millions on war items for Iraq, charging ridiculous prices for everything - $700 for a toilet seat, $200 for a wooden tongue compressor. I've read the investigated reports, it's happening.

Anyway...after all that, I went to class. The two people who speak to me were in class already. They spoke to me again.

It was another class presentation day.

It's weird to see a classmate that you have developed a sudden undeniable crush for..cause I have. I find it hilarious, but the level of genuinely humane comments has driven me to like him. I have a crush on the snowboarding instructor guy...haha. I mean, I dreamed about him last night, I boldly asked him out in my dream and he obliged. He disappeared at some point, and I felt devastated. But all the same, we drove and talked till I chickened out and left, and he drove off. The weirdest part of the dream is that there were enormous trees - and we all lived in them. We were like elves or something.

But my crush was oohh...re-kindled in reality today by the fact that he, of all things, wrote a finals PLAY...he did. omg...he really did, with all the warped humor I am known for in my own plays. It was great! He performed it too. This turned my crush into adoration. dammit. He's like W...but much older and more mature. He's even blond and short and athletic...ugh...my weaknesses.

I wanted to speak to him, I wanted to let him know that he and me have minds alike...I've wanted to do the same with the other two ladies i adore who are also theatre people. dammit.

okay, I'm over him now...but still wishing I could be a lot less...the way I am being agoraphobic me.

I also feel bummed because my teacher had to ask me if I was doing the presentation, and I had to tell her 'no'. I felt bad, but I am stressing out and already have only half of my hair - thank god mostly usable to cover what I don't have, but I need what i've got, and a presentation right now would do me and my hair in.

She was thrilled though when i told her i've got three characters, it turned into 4 this morning, so i'm ugh...a bit annoyed with myself, as much as I love the characters themselves, and the imagery I get while reading my short summaries. This, since my brain cannot comprehend it, is for a psychology paper, not a literary review. She told me if i want to i can submit all of them as part of it. I may, if they don't develop to the extent I need by tomorrow. But I love the characters, and not only are they in limbo - they are isolated too, in a world of their own. I like that dual aspect of what if's, memory, fate, and possibilties though.

6 days till psychology is over, 9 days till philosophy is over...may i still have hair by then. And a 3.9 GPA...at least.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017