lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Monday, May. 26, 2008 - 12:55 am

=*=



I felt bad that josh had to have a certain themed chat this evening regarding my previous entry. I felt bad because I know I can talk to him, but I didn't because of myself. But to sum it up, he asked that I hold off on having the breakdown about him until after he actually can't talk to me, if that happens, then I can do as I please. I promised.

I think I took too much xanax in the anticipation of feeing seriously bad things lastnight i.e a breakdown, because I woke up at 3:09 pm today. I have a feeling that I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight. Well, I've already started that. I hate my birthday. I hate that my birthday means nothing to most of the people who know that I exist, including my mother, who rarely even says happy birthday to me. And I hate that I will be this old, because I haven't done enough to be this old. I've been disabled most of my life, so I've never worked. I've had one boyfriend for all of 6 actual weeks. I can go to school by myself now, that only took 16 years to be able to do. I can't believe my life is so void of things and events. It was really hard for me to compile a list of things I want for my birthday, and Josh is the only person, once again, to even ask or offer to try to make my birthday worth more than another line on the wall. If I could really have anything, I'd ask for someone to be here and share a cupcake with me. That is really all I want - time with another person for my birthday. Right now, knowing that won't happen, I feel really empty.

It's midnight, I'm legally twenty-eight. Even if I live a long life, my life is at least 1/3 over. Happy Birthday to myself...twenty-eight years ago, at this exact moment, I had an umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, and was causing my mom a ridiculous amount of discomfort. My dad was high and drunk, and unconscious in the lobby. The minute I took my first breath, he was fully unaware of it.

Twenty years ago I had my one and only birthday party. It was really nice, and I still have every present I was given - no joke. I was given a tank top shirt with "paint" splatters that I loved and wore as often as I could, it's in my drawer, still, I was given a toy dog, she's really soft and still has the bows on her ears, the lavendar dress and a bone. I was given few drawings from the younger kids. I was given a small doll, with a set of dresses, and I was given a couple of coloring books that I never colored in, I'm not sure why. I was also given a card signed by everyone, and I can't look at it because it makes me miss them all so much. All of that was done by my emotional grandma, who I lost contact with the following year.

Ten years ago next week I left the house and rode in a very bumpy car for the first time after 6 years straight, and I couldn't handle it at all. And despite barely being able to mumble at the psychologist about the facts of not leaving the house for 6 years, and the fact that I was so scared thtat I couldn't lift my head to look around the room, he simply wrote "diagnosis: depression" on my form, and sent me back home. I had no idea what agoraphobia was, or that I had it for another year full of misdiagnoses.

I think, maybe, I'll just disappear till Friday. That way when I find out only Josh said happy birthday to me, it will be long over and the sting of it will be less painful.

Last week my mom found the dates that my gr gr grandpa was captured by the Union, during the civil war. It even lists the camps he was sent to, and where he was captured. When I stare at his photo on my wall, I think of all the things I know about him now. HIm and his wife and children. They really are the only family I'll ever have, even though they died 60+ years before I was born. All of his children have their hair intact, so I don't think I get the trich from that family line.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. What do normal people do on their birthdays? Whatever those things are, I probably won't be doing them.

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017