Well, it looks like the only gifts I'll get for my birthday will be from my very loved Canadian friend, Josh, once again. And he was the only person to really talk to me today as well. Canadians rule, may I one day marry one. ;-) The following people said happy birthday to me:

Josh, Kimme, W (my ex), my mom (sort of)., one cousin who let me know that a few other dysfunctional and (thank god) fully estranged relatives (who are apparently out of prison)were thinking of me, two of my three siblings, relayed through one of them as one is without modern conveniences, and a new person who added me to their buddy list and left a note, for which I am grateful. My mom and W are the only two of those people I've ever actually met. I haven't seen W since...March. A lot of people who should know it's a special day, did not wish me a happy birthday yesterday, but by midnight a lot of much more-liked people did.

W was really pissy tonight when we chatted, and I shouldn't be, but I'm crying again, mostly because I had to get pissy back, and he got pissier, and, well you get the idea. I regret him so much. I really love who I thought he was, and I regret finding out who he really is. Anyway, I usually make one resolution at least for my new birth year. I think the past year led to the resolution this year, that I really need to work on: actively trying to forget how happy I am when I have physical people here who care about me and are my "friends". Since those few people have obviously moved on, I need to try to think of them all as made up in my mind so that I can move on too. Delusions of a housebound idiot who needs friends to be the family I never had and is asking waaay too much in needing that (loyalty), obviously. When W signed off, I had a very brief moment of feeling every bit as alone as I was when we moved here, and as alone as I was most of my life. It scares me because I feel nothing stopping me from killing myself if I'm not obligated to be something to anyone. An, I have no ties, so I can go now, sort of thing. Maybe there's a reason I feel that. I won't necessarily act on it, but what's stopping me? Hoping for friends for 14 years was the only thing that stopped me, but what do I do now, keep hoping despite experiencing so much turmoil and sexual stupidity from men for trying? My life really is unbearable, and I can't begin to lie and say it's not. I'm sorry if I cause grief to people who meet me, it's my life, I live it every day - you can leave my life, I can't. This resolution would mean that it doesn't really matter if I am relapsing because I need to try to accept (for lack of a better word) that I'm not doing so well; it's not my fault, and I will be not-okay - but without the constant wishing I was okay, and had all the things and people here again to help me with that. Having friends here is obviously not going to happen without a lot of grief and feeling guilt that I can't do more on my part. I'm not sure this resolution is do-able, but whatever.

It's going to be really hard because I truly only want friends, out of anything in the world. The only thing that means anything to me is people, and it's the only thing I've never really had. When I start to get really attached to Josh, and feel bad that we can't talk to each other as much as I like, as happened this past week, he reminds me that he's not here, and though we chat in the webcams, we've never met. So often, in my mind, I forget that somehow. He feels closer to me than even my mom who is in the other room. But he's right, and I have no right to not face that I have no friends here, and the reason (me), and make my online friends feel any obligation to me. I'm not worth that much.

I don't know how I really thought this would be over when I met W 2.5 years ago. I really did, though. I really believed my struggle to try to get better for 16 years was being validated, and rewarded, and that I'd never again be crying at 1 am in my diary over not having...what I again don't have.

Anyway, I'm ruminating...and all of this is only because I have agoraphobia and can't be social in a way that is conducive to finding like-minded people. Which makes me feel guilty and start the whole process over again...

I moved my room around today, as I said I would. Consequently it's a mess now. And I'm not quite sure what to do with the rest of my things. Between my many piles of books, I have a pile of past semesters school work, 6 inches high, a pile of collected magazines and catalogs, a pile of miscellaneous stuff, a junk pile and stuff in a lot of boxes.

My mom went out today and didn't get me even a card. I got back at her for not getting me anything by drinking half of her juice. I'm not quite sure what I did wrong. Last year she went all out and at least, even though I got no gifts, I did get a cake. Not this year. :-(

Tomorrow I have to get my ID, and do a few things, so if I successfully leave the house, despite my now puffy eyes, and manage to cover my bald spot, I'll have quite a tale to write of, i'm sure...I'll be having to brave walking down one of the busiest roads in the city...save me.

I'll buy a dozen donuts for myself tomorrow (okay, maybe half-dozen), Josh made me promise...

Anyway, I'm getting and feeling weird now, so goodnight d-land.

And sincere thank you's to anyone who wished or wishes me a happy birthday, even though it's now legally an un-birthday.

~e