I have a lot to say, but my right eye hurts way too much to type a lot. It feels strained and swollen, kind of like the way the doctor described it if my retina tore loose, but i have no way of telling as i'm nearly fully blind in the eye.

Anyway, my baby sister sent me a message saying our dad is very sick. He has Hep C, thanks to him being a needle junkie. By the way she described him, he will probably not last a year, if even. I asked her if he's turning yellow yet, but she hasn't gotten back to me.

I don't know how to feel.

He never cared for me, he broke my heart, lied to me, threatened to kill me. But he's my dad. And I was a daddy's girl, even though he didn't deserve one second of it.

And he made me be attracted to really effed up men.

I don't think I'll cry when he dies, I think I'll just go numb and feel bummed that he chose drugs over his kids/me. And it will close that nagging childhood wish I still feel occasionally that I'll wake up and he'd be the dad I need him to be.

When he dies, I'm going to write an honest obit about the shit he pulled in his life, and who he really was. No warm fuzzy lies.

After all, most of his life he was in prison...so...how do you get around that? Saying he was a state-imposed hermit?

~e