Doctor: Very interesting...
Mortician: What is it, doc?
Doctor: Well, your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your eyes are all puffy and sticky...
Mortician: Oh no! You mean...?
Doctor: Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have pinkeye.
(The mortician and his assistant both gasp in horror.)
Doctor: I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't wanna touch you.
Assistant: Oh, I'm so hungry, and all I can think about eating is...brains!
Doctor: Yeah, well, for God's sake, don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics.

My favorite South Park episode�lol�and yeah, I seem to have a non-contagious form of pink eye, but it's in both of eyes, the left one a little, and a lot in the hurting eye Well, here's the story:

My eye did not stop hurting yesterday, so we called a whole bunch of people to confirm that I could go in to see an eye doc for an exam without it using up my once every two years allowed visit for glasses/contacts. Everyone, the clinic and my insurance, listened to the situation, looked up my insurance and said it was fine just go in. The main office set it all up, gave me the earliest possible appointment. 9:30 am. My eye was in so much pain yesterday, and I could not look up at all without shooting pains across the entire top of my eye. I would have been there at 7 am today, if they'd said to. I was kept up most of the night by my cat who was being a damn little bastard. Plus, well, it's a girl thing. Plus, it was 90 degrees in my room last night. And my eye�I was afraid to take more Advil in case she needed to have me feel pain to describe what was happening if it wasn't an infection, so I was in pain.

We got there at 9 am this morning, and the woman looks at me and says, what are you here for? I tell her my eye hurts, it feels infected, and I'm here to get it checked in case it's an infection or worse, and hand her my new insurance card to copy. She looks at and says, "you'll need to get your primary care physician to refer you before we can see you." I say to her, no I don't, plus this is listed and to be billed as an emergency, emergencies don't need referrals. She said they're billing it as medical, so we need your pcp's approval. She repeated herself and said for me to call my soon-to-be EX primary care physician. I felt like a piece of shit. My eye hurts, I'm not sure it's not the beginning of something serious, my return ride home is in two hours and this woman is telling me that I won't be seen till they get the fax, the ophthalmologist is booked solid and squeezed me in because of my symptoms. A nurse comes out and says they'd be willing to see me but I'd have to pay for it. She didn�t have even a slight estimate, so I said no. To myself I said, I'd rather I'll let my eye fall out then get an undisclosed amount for a bill. My mom called my doc�no answer. I remembered something about a vacation she'd be taking in June. Shit. My mom calls my insurance. After an hour of my mom, the lady at my insurance, and a supervisor telling the lady at the desk that there is no reason they should not receive payment, the woman repeats herself saying that I need a referral first, and then again says to the insurance lady that the supervisor told her this, even though the supervisor talked on three-way conference call and I heard her tell both my mom and the insurance lady that no referral was needed for any emergency, or eye appointment. As my appointment time came and went, I started crying. The insurance lady called my primary doc and confirmed that there was no answer, and no way to get the fax. The lady at the desk did not care.

After over an hour, the insurance lady was filing a grievance on my behalf, as I was sobbing in the hallway. People were walking past acting like I wasn't even there, except a few very old sick people seemed to be listening to my mom describe what was happening and at least had the kindness to not laugh in my presence.

In between this, an extremely frail old man, who had been listening, tried to get up from his seat with the help of his driver, and could not. After feeling utter empathy at watching him struggle for a few attempts, I dried my tears and got up to help him get up as well. When I held his arm, he held mine back and tried a couple of times and finally stood up. That helped me feel redeemed as a worthwhile person, especially when they both thanked me.

The insurance lady wrote a note signed by the supervisor promising that my insurance would pay regardless of the referral, and they agreed to see me. I'm not sure if it's legal, but it worked. And my eye doc, who is a total sweetie, and who found out what was going on and agreed to see me regardless of payment. The desk lady handed my mom the "proof" of the need for the referral in a small paper, however only the first line says that, it says 5 lines down that if the referral can't be obtained, that the client is supposed to be seen anyway and never charged for the services received, it says they are to write them off if the insurance doesn't cover them. This made me want to hit the illiterate desk lady.

The doctor wanted to do a full eye exam, and I would have loved to, but I had 15 minutes before my ride could come, so the doctor crammed and did a 10 minute check. She was hoping she didn't overlook anything, but told me my retina is okay, and that I have some obvious signs of recently active tearducts :-), some swelling, some small bumps, severe irritation on my right eye and upper eyelid, a little of this on my left eye. She said it is definitely an infection and said it seems very close to what is called perennial conjunctivitis, even though I've never had it before. It's from allergies and irritants getting in the eye, bacteria, dirt, etc. It can get really bad without treatment. She gave me some pain-killing drops for tonight, and a prescription for a better one with an antibiotic whenever I get that. And she said I really need to go in once a year minimum for an exam because of my eyes, but I need her to fax me that as medically necessary, and a medically necessary referral to the contacts doc. She thinks I'll love having a contact lense.

After that I left and waited for my ride. I remembered that my contacts appointment was in a few weeks and asked my mom to ask if it's at least an hour, and if not to make it so. It was, and the lady in the contacts office said she saw me crying and wanted to know if I was okay. After my mom told her what they did, refusing me services for two hours when I have an infection, etc., the woman apparently shook her head in disbelief and told her to tell me she was really sorry I went through that. Human kindness rules�

All of this (and more) just to get my eye looked at, and get an antibiotic�yay Medicaid�shittiest medical insurance in America.

Right now I don't feel so well, so I'm going to go lay down.

~e