I've actually been writing a lot of entries, some very personal ones that I'll never post. I apologize to my own diary for complaining about my eye and other problems. I know. I'll stop that soon, I'm sure because, I actually have thoughts and things to say. I've also been having interesting dreams over the past few days, and while I'm not sure they're not antibiotic/steroids induced, I'm grateful for them as they sparked a bit of adventure in my head. Because of this, I've written some beginnings of some short stories. I rarely remember a whole dream, but I get themes or symbolism or tone, even colors alone can spark a certain mood.

I also have a fiction novel idea based on a profound dream I had over two years ago. This story has never let me go, it touched me deeply, and for some reason the deaths of the baby birds has made the message of it seem important. So I'm building on the story. I'm writing out theme aspects, character aspects further, and clearing up some ideas that I cannot make work or that will take away from the story. Writing a 200+ page illustrated novel is not easy, and I know what I'm in for. I think I'm just afraid that it will want to be a trilogy. :-)

I couldn't stop myself from crying last night. No matter how swollen and itchy my eye was it seems so tragic to me that such helpless creatures with such a devoted mother had a single gust of wind end their little lives. So much hope in her was extinguished for nothing. I also can hear it in the male birds call; it sounded much more emotional today � and no I'm not joking or exaggerating. It really did. It was a cry not a song. And it made me sad for them. So it got me thinking of course about some things in philosophy class. Life, death issues, obviously, but further on, it got me thinking of what it means to be conscious. Life and death as we know it are separated by consciousness or awareness alone. Although, if reincarnation exists, then there must be some alternate form of awareness we don't experience on this side, but I'm not going there right now.

I have these little moments of realization quite often, where my brain realizes potent consciousness at a certain point then counteracts it with a 'what if I wasn't conscious of that' moment. It often drives me up the wall, partly because I feel slightly out-of-body when it happens, but also because I am aware of being aware and that awareness stops me from being in the moment � I'm about a second behind being in the moment. This also happens when I see someone on a stage, or doing something I'm not able to do yet. My system corrects for it and tries to fully feel the person's perspective - to be conscious as them instead of as me watching them. It's cool in some ways, but not in many ways.

I found out today that one of my most adored authors from my childhood died a few days ago. Tasha Tudor was an amazing person, and as I grew older I kept the few illustrated books of hers. **her site here** Her and Beatrix Potter sparked my drawing/illustrating desires as a very little girl. So, I'm bummed but thankful for her works and old-fashioned perspective. It's not often that a person finds themselves as an individual in this hectic world and doesn't let that world destroy them. She was one of those people.

I also found a really awesome book that I ordered today. It's called The Museum of Lost Wonder. **awesome interactive website** There's a link to the right on the site for dial-up people too. The book seems right up my alley. It covers historical truths and wonders all illustrated: alchemy, philosophy, various connected ideas throughout history, etc. I recognized quite a few things we covered in philosophy class. My overactive brain did a happy dance when I went through the website today. My endless possibilities realized they're not so pointless.

I think my problem with being so bummed lately is that this "modern" world is not more advanced or rich than anything from the past. My 1908 Book of the Household reveals that, even if oatmeal did take overnight to be edible. We have a lot of cool gadgets, yes. But we today could not build the Mayan temples or pyramids the way they did, even with our technology, so how are we better? Will any of our things survive and be around in 2,400 years? I doubt it. Those old temples and things fascinate me because they're stunning, and I can't even build a wall of rocks. And why are native people shunned by so many societies? Because they're not paying electric and internet bills? Sigh. Because they know that the truth is found in a thread from the past, and they respect that? I'm rambling now, but. I'd just really like to know how people today are better than people who lived off the land for hundreds of thousands of years telling stories, singing, defining unique but oddly connected realities, and naming the things in their world�something modern society is often horrid at doing btw. It scares me that modern society is a homogenized economic whirlwind surrounding major corporations and power instead of appreciation and respect for things as they are. No corporation could have given me the spiral shell I found at the bay when I was 8 years old that is only 1/4 of an inch long. Or the leaf I have and preserved that is also that small. Those things are so unique and beautiful.

The book title reminded me of some of the people my mom was friends with. One in particular, a guy she knew who owned a "Weird Museum" in Cali. He collected body parts to show the public. Things like charred smokers lungs, a mummy, a dead horse, a cyclops baby, a decapitated head that supposedly yelled at its executioner because he was beheaded below the vocal cords. He had so many stories that she has told me. And the police constantly harassed him for having those things, even though he was a doctor and bought them legally. My mom said it was fascinating to her how many things he collected for his museum.

As for the philosophy class aspects, something the author said validated something I know in my heart already. I know that I am right and my philosophy teacher was wrong in saying there is only one universal truth for everyone. There is only one truth in logic, yes. � but I feel that's why logic (and science) will never reveal the truth � only one aspect of the truth. I have experienced many truths through my health problems since age 11. So I can't go there with the one truth perspective, and so I now realize that I had to let him destroy my 4.0 GPA�I had to�and the more I think of it, remaining true to my own beliefs of multiple truths being the real truth in life was a rather noble cause. I truly believe that everyone is right for themselves and that no one is wrong necessarily; if you believe in life after death � maybe it happens to those who believe, and those who believe this is it turn into rocks � really, not one of us actually knows, so how can anyone be wrong? Even if you think the world is flat still, though the world tells you otherwise, maybe it is to you. I've had those flat moments, and I get dizzy when I think of the earth spinning. I can't wait to get the book though. It'll be cool.

I got Josh's birthday present(s) today as well, and I am ecstatic. He made up for everyone not giving me squat. He got me the movies The Truman Show and Amelie � both very cool 'perspective' movies � the kind of movies I love. He also sent me one and a two dollar Canadian coins. They are stunning, and we should start this in this country. They are so light. I have one dollar U.S. coins in my coin collection, but they should be more easily discernable and *used*. Josh also got me a really sweet card. Having a fellow writer-friend is the best. Also, he's getting the internet for the next month so we can chat by webcam still despite the move. No more tears for me over missing his presence in my week and fearing my inability to even send him an email. I'd do the snail mail thing, I actually miss writing scented beautiful letters, but the problem with that is that mail takes over two weeks to get there/here. I need to ask for his new address. Josh, send it please?

I got the jewelry I ordered, and I like it. Kohl's sucks in the customer appreciation/respect department, but they sell nice things. I couldn't decide which necklace to wear � the dragonfly or butterfly, so I'm wearing both. :-P Both are really sweet jade greens. The only shade of green I look good in.

I'll get the clothes by Thursday.

The weather today was lovely. It was cool and breezy. Billowing silver and ivory clouds rested up against the Sangres. And I saw a deep brown hawk today. It caught a breeze and didn't flap its wings once as it glided across the sky. I was going to grab my camera, but then I thought it wasn't such a good idea to leave my cat on my porch alone with a hawk flying overhead. And a female oriole swooped down and caught bugs in mid-air�that's a definite skill. She made a ton of noise too afterwards. It was really cute.

Overall, it was a decent day.

Okay, I gotta go put some more gunk in my eye and hop in bed. I may actually leave the house tomorrow, which means I should sleep. No? how many days has it been�oh (May 27th) 26 days? I'm so lonely here that I almost considered replying to an ad�yeah that kind. The guy seems cool�but then I thought more and �yeah�nah�I have Josh, even if I have no road trips and adventures. We're writers, and the gas is free.

~e