lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2008 - 1:30 am

=*=


I quit.

Store dresses will never fit me. 34D/DD, 27, 35 is not conducive to wearing dresses. In 1953, I would have been able to wear everything. I have Marilyn Monroe's exact stupid tiny-yet-not-tiny type of figure. These days they make dresses so you pop out the top or feel terribly squeezed if you have this figure. I don't like it. Everything I wear has to be stretchy or smocked or in some bust-expanding style to accommodate this insanity. I hate having to hate my body just because they only make clothes for flat-chested twigs. I�m going to have to get stupid pin-up dresses just to have a dress. Those dresses would fit me�I'd feel pathetic though so I'm saying this semi-facetiously. I can't even be a real woman and enjoy traditional style girly dresses because my breasts are too big. And don't get me started on swimsuits.

That's it; I'm getting a sewing machine and figuring it out. It can't be that hard, can it? I mean the Amish do it�sort of. If I get simple sundress patterns, it will work.

In other words, all but two of the shirts and all of the dresses are being returned tomorrow. Essentially I went through all of this Kohl's crap for nothing. Their clothes don't fit my bust either.

The dress I really really love would fit if I was a C cup or smaller.

I get the Macys stuff in a couple of days. I hope that renews my self-esteem � I ordered a dress and a really cute halter-top that isn't low-cut. I'm not holding my breath though.

Something happened last night with W, and I'm trying to come to terms with my feeling that I'll never have a bf again, and trying to feel worthwhile as a person despite feeling that I don't deserve having a bf being this way anyway. Not the fantasy enormous ridiculous breasts part but the agoraphobia/disorders/housebound stuff. I'm not a monster, far from it � the exact opposite actually. And my biology constantly tells me that I need to feel loved too sometime in this life. But I can't put myself on the line and wait for another person to hang me. Do I love what this one particular local guy said about himself in his ad? Yes, a lot cause he seems like an adventurous dork too. Does my best quality fit what he wants? 95% yes. But I don't want to do this to him or anyone else. I'm perfect but�not exactly.

The something that happened is that I found out that W posted some things he hates about me on a very public forum, called me a bitch, and said he wished I'd leave him alone. I do this in my own diary with him, but more often directly to the him/person I'm having an issue with, not on public forums � there IS a difference. What he wrote actually made me cry, which didn't help my eye any. I called him on the posting and told him I read it (he had given me a link to some other thing he'd written that wasn't about me). He told me he had forgotten he wrote that two weeks ago, and did so while feeling angry towards me. And�he said, "I'm sorry." He also told me he does love me more than his other gf's � well, I'm like the only one who didn't fuck him over (?in return), so he better. But he also reiterated that he doesn't love me like a gf. Another post about another ex got him a crapload of "you sound really gay" responses, so I did get a laugh out of that other post of his. As for the 'leaving him alone' part, I told him I don't make him sign on and unblock my screen name. And I told him I'd go now and never speak to him again if he really feels that way, but he said he was just mad at the time and begged me not to go and told me he's really genuinely sorry. I told him to say it to my face if he means it�in other words none of this bullshit about caring, when I'm stuck in the house and he's the only person here besides my sick mom. I haven't seen him since March. All I want is for him to fucking show he cares by taking me out to lunch or hanging out for an hour every now and then - not tell me how much fun he'd had the night before with his other guy friends and that he still has no time for me.

I actually re-started pulling out my hair over his post, and I had to really force myself to stop.

I again made him think up a list of things he likes about me�I do this when he acts like he hates me. He said I'm brainy, I'm adventurous (more adventurous agoraphobe alive, I'm sure), I'm the sweetest person he's ever met, and I'm strong personally. He clarified the personally part because he once said I'm everything he wants in a girl except I can't do physical things to the extent he wants, like biking 10 miles or hiking and backpacking for 15-20 miles straight. I'm housebound, duh? I tried and want to still its not good enough that i try and want to. Well, he's everything I want in a guy except for being an asshole, so I guess we're even.

I tried to get a credit card now that I'm an honors student and no such luck � they're still denying me, even the honor student card is denying me. I have that little credit history. I don't have bad credit, I just have no credit and no credit means you're not a person even if you haven't ever screwed anyone over...so that bummed me out. I was hoping for maybe 250.00 to start is all. I'm wondering if I took out a student loan, if I even can, if that would get me credit. I don't know. I need something though; this is pathetic. My mom is wondering if she could co-sign for me to be responsible if I ever lose the sanity I have left and don't pay a bill.

I have more thoughts, but I'm feeling really bummed now. I didn't get to go outside because the weather has been atrocious. Today we even got thunder and rain along with the wind.

The only thing I'm not bummed about, as silly as it is, is that I LOVE 1928 brand jewelry, and the goddess in me plans to buy more ASAP.

I'll have a better entry tomorrow night. I promise. And/or hope�

~e


P.S. my cat is psychotic...and i wish i was joking

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

most recent entries:

waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

yeah so, stuff is happening... - Monday, Sept. 18, 2017

my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017