lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Wednesday, Jul. 09, 2008 - 2:29 am

=*=


A really quick entry, I'll write more if more happens. I should probably be doing something more productive. Sleeping, cleaning up at least one of the piles of stuff off of my floor, stopping pulling my hair, washing the new pants that I got fully intending to not gain any weight all next semester, even though I have already. I still wear size 5, as of now, but the pants I love are stretchy, so they're probably closer to 7. The 7's were comfy and not so tight, but they went all the way down to Australia when I sat down. :-) People don't need to be seeing that, even with pink polka dots or stars.

I have not really been to the mall much in the past 2.5 years, I went a lot more often when I lived over 5 miles away. Now that I can walk there, it's a lot less interesting. And the 14 year old girls make me thankful i'm my age. But I had to go to do three things. First, take back the stuff I'd ordered that didn't fit. Second, look for pants and capris, possibly � always � shoes. And I also had to go to the dentist. Fun eh? Not really, plus they had my birthday in the system wrong, so they had me down as being born in 1986. I had forgotten this story, until the lady asked me my date of birth, as she could not find me under my actual DOB. I then remembered that two years ago, the lady then did not believe in any way that I was 26, so she wrote down that I was the dreaded "19" that everyone still thinks I am and her doing that really effed up access to my records despite me telling her my actual year of birth 6 years older than that. And so all of my charts and the computer said I was born in 1986, even though the one I filled out clearly states my actual birth year. People in this town�

P called me today. We talked for almost 3 hours, though like usual, he did 90% of the talking. He is so full of funny stories. And he told me something that I've thought of since meeting him and many of his friends over the years, but he apparently thinks it to. He said that the only only two people in his life who he feels are really sincere about him meaning anything to are his gf and�me. I am rather clingy about him even though I don't mean to be. It doesn't bother him. Like, I have every intention of not doing homework for a few days to have time to hang out with him if he visits during the semester. His including me in things means so much to me, and I know he always did it because he genuinely likes me as a person, so, at least that's mutual between us. He also told me that he kind of feels obligated to not be another person to abandon me. So, he reiterated the "forever" that he promised so long ago it seems, and said he plans to visit often.

Because of the security I feel whenever someone (so far Josh and P, and yeah�W :-) promises to not abandon me, I don't understand why I'm pulling my hair. I may be getting over-stimulated by all this new stuff. I mean $400 of new clothes, new furniture, new shoes, plus the mess already here.

I've been thinking that the majority of the time I'm okay with thinking I should not ever be with anyone again because of my disorders. But those small moments where I'm not okay with it are really hard to take. I doubt I'll ever be a mother. I'm not so sure I'll ever be a wife, which part of me would love to be and thrive, I think. Hell, right now I'm not even sure that I'll ever graduate. It seems so far away. I'm not sure that I can handle doing anything that involves either extreme socializing or isolation. So, I feel pretty stuck in a really crappy place.

But I liked the movie Mean Girls. Oddly enough. It's odd how that movie celebrates the fact that mine are real. In a backwards kind of not-so-fake that I can feel every ow moment my clingy cat gives me when he's liking my boobies. My mother swears he has no idea what they are...i'm not so sure. Anyway...

Kay, off to bed with me I guess. I apologize to my diary if this entry seems like a 2 am entry � it is. And i'm still agoraphobic.

And Josh, I hope you feel better. <3

~e

=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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