I've been processing Tuesday's events since then. I'm still in a bit of shock. After being unexpectedly interrogated interviewed on Tuesday by a group of 3 ambassadors and the director, I was voted in. I did not know that that would be part of the process, but I did rather well despite feeling like everything I was saying was a total lie, even though it isn't. My life has stopped feeling real to me, especially my past. I will be an ambassador for my school this fall. My level of ambitiousness suddenly scares me. I mean, technically I was the one who initiated this. The director called me, but I asked him about it. Besides not being able to handle the utter unbearable isolation I've experienced as a good reason for this, I'm about to do a 180 from that and that makes me stare at my room hoping it at least doesn't morph on me. That last part sounded very agoraphobic, didn't it? Something tells me, with what I was told about the group, that my world is about to expand 1000 times over. I hope I can endure public speaking, and I hope I can hide my bald spot and let it grow in. Oddly enough, those two things are coinciding in my only two fears about the world at school now.

Also, whoever is reading my diary at upwards of 90 pages through over the past couple of days, thanks, but who are you? Do I know you? I'd really love to know. And know what you think. I feel so honored when anyone does this. Even if I know them. My time on this insane marble is not entirely in vain, even though I keep this diary mainly to vent and keep in touch with friends too distant to speak in-depth with daily.

In less than two months, I have taken two enormous academic leaps. The PTK thing, and now joining the ambassadors. And I stop and hear what the doctors said to me, that, because of my past and never having socialized at all after age 12, I need to keep my goals more realistic than college and traveling and anything involving speaking or god forbid theatre. Agoraphobics just don't do this stuff, especially agoraphobics who only went to the 5th grade. We aren't supposed to succeed. All of that is running through my head, and half of me is thinking my god they're right, who am I to do this? I'm agoraphobic, I'm still very housebound, and I'm still very very shy and vulnerable. The other less rational half is like eff em. I can so do this. I'm me, and I rule.

"This" in further detail happens to be 150 hours or more of working over the next semester to represent my school, and be involved in many (primarily) on-campus events and discussions of ways to improve it and help new students survive with things that I never received help with, but should have. My research has let me know that this often involves speaking to the media, state government, and the president of the college. I suppose I will be representing the disabled population who sorely need to be represented and listened to by someone who knows we have federal rights. I would definitely be in that category. It also means I have to watch my tongue and say things in a less threatening way than saying that the head of Special Services is fully inept in all areas, which he is, but�

My brain is scrambling right now trying to sort through the known events to come, and trying to weed out the insane fears, along with, of course, over-thinking, which I do better than anyone. I actually did not mean to do this for real, it was just like in my head thinking it would be cool�if. But here I am.

Let me see if I can remember the events in a way that is visual.

I arrived at school a little early Tuesday afternoon, so I paid for my classes first. I then went in the bookstore and they still only have summer books out, but I found which edition I'll need as they won't change for my class. I spent a full hour in the bookstore. Not much has changed since May. I bought notebook paper, which I later accidentally forgot in my locker because I was so nervous. lol. My mom promised to get it for me if she goes that way.

I walked to the room where the director used to work, but it was being renovated. So I went to enrollment and asked where his office is. It was moved downstairs. I had worn my new platform heels, black jean capris, and cami and got checked out by more than one guy that day. They can look all they want, but cannot touch. Any attempts means the security guy gets to rescue me. I slowly made it downstairs, somehow, in those heels. And went to the room I thought it was. I was in awe of the sunlight hitting some astoundingly beautiful geraniums in shades of red, pink, peppermint, and white surrounding the eternally dry fountain. Geraniums are my mom's favorite flowers to grow because there are so many different scents, including lemon, which really does smell like a lemon drop, roses, candy, chocolate, mint, etc. I think there was even one that smelled like coffee. They're also easy to grow�anyway, back to my day.

When I walked in, he saw me and said "this must be�". I smiled and said, "yep." I signed in and was given a form to fill out. I realized after about a minute that I wasn't just talking to the director about this, but to a group of people. I started thinking 'crap' everyone will know my business. At first the director and two women were there, very nice and very short (4 foot 8 and 5 feet) After about 5 minutes the guy, who had been sleeping outside came in. With him the interview began. I was asked some basic things, like why I want to do this. My honest to god first thought was "Because I'm losing my mind". Lol. I did not say that, but I felt that I was on automatic. Some of the questions I could not answer, but twisted them to be as close as possible or changed the focus. They did not seem to mind. Ugh. I was so nervous when it started getting to the personal questions. Oddly I answered that because I only went to the 5th grade, that that qualified me to represent students at school. And even stranger, it's true.

I think my brain is, for the most part, blocking many of the things I was asked. But I was asked my most embarrassing moment. I could not think of any funny ones, only devastating ones, which I did not want to say�'oh well in the 5th grade when I had to sit by myself at lunch every day and the 5 girls started tormenting me about how disgusting my food was in front of the entire cafeteria and everyone started staring at me.' I did however forget that W asked me out just 10 feet from my completely oblivious mother. And it was pretty mortifying hoping the whole 10 minutes that she didn't hear us talking. But that was two-and-a-half years ago...and I'm kind of glad I didn't bring that up either. Being that the guy, who is from Africa, was openly flirting with me the entire time, I should have said guys hitting on me especially in front of other people, because it is terribly embarrassing. The director eventually started picking on him for it towards the end of the interview.

I was also asked if I had a problem with being goofy in front of people. I'm not actually sure. But my honest answer, which I did not give, is that the agoraphobic side is mortified at the thought alone, but the theatrical not-agoraphobic side of me doesn't mind � if it's for a reason.

The interviewing lasted an hour, but I only remember some words. And they were impressed by some of my answers. I think one other question I can remember is what I consider a leader and who have I known who had that quality. Not giving up on what you believe in and I said my mom. It was the most bottom line answer I could give, because it doesn't matter what you believe in or want, if you don't give up you'll eventually have something going with some group of people.

The director kind of lectured me about my conduct in public, and apparently I will get a shirt that says "my school* ambassador" on it. Anyway, the lecture involved an odd story of a media event in which he beats up three guys in front of everyone, and said, "that would not be cool would it?" When I realized he was saying this meaning me, I kind of spaced a bit because the closest I could envision myself to the story he gave is swatting flies, which I actually haven't had to do since having my cat. But I shook my head no, and let him know that I fully understand about conduct in public places. I mean, I'm not about to beat anyone up or flash people or anything like that, so. Lol.

I brought up that I need a ride on Fridays, and after I explained the reason, the director said it wouldn't be a problem, he would find some people to do it. The guy sat straight up and said, "I'll do it!!" I believe I rolled my eyes and laughed, because he sounded so desperate to have the opportunity and, well, a little too enthusiastic about it. So much so that the other two women obviously noticed this as an open crush on me as well and cracked up. The director began laughing too, but in a way much more sorry for this guy and me, as he asked him how his driving is. The guy kind of shrugged and got shy. We were all laughing at him by this time, so. After that he didn't really want to talk, but the only question I asked was their experiences in the group. They all said it was like a family. I liked that, a lot. I'm kind of sworn to confidentiality about the rest of their responses to me, but needless to say I think one woman and myself will get along well if we get put together in a group. She's my age and has kids, but she's been through a lot of similar things to my mom and myself and found inspiration in my story. One thing that scared me is that I did not once mention my "endless possibilities" at any time during the interview, but when she was talking she told me that as she was listening to the things I'd said about my life and struggles, she just felt the presence of so many possibilities with me and pretty much begged me to not give up on anything. I heard my English teacher, Josh, Eric, W, my mom, etc�all of these dear people (maybe minus W when he's being a jerk), and the way they've all been such a big part of my possibilities. But it scared me, I apparently have 'potential' written on my forehead. And that may be what guys are misreading as they hit on me�they think it's them that has potential. They would be wrong�

Oh and I was asked the oddest question by the guy, after he answered my question he looked at me and said, "can I have your hat?" Now, it's a very girly black fabric sunhat. I cannot possibly see a guy wearing it. And again his sudden open crush had busted him. The director was trying to get him to stop already and said, "hey man, maybe after like the 6th time you pick her up. Then maybe you'll get the hat." And I was thinking�"or not." I believe the younger female rolled her eyes this time.

I had to leave the room as they quickly voted.

As I was leaving I saw a cute half-inch (1cm) beetle crawling across the carpet. When I went to rescue it to take it with me outside, it dug its lil feet in the carpet and wouldn't let go. I tried to pry them loose, but it did not work. He just stuck his butt up at me and hid his head where his feet were. I didn't want to hurt him, so I let him be in the doorway, and left with a prayer that no one step on him. A little girl came in with her mom and stared at me dumbfounded as they walked past. How do you say, well, see I really like bugs and I don't want it to get stepped on, without sounding�as weird as I am about cute bugs.

I went upstairs, and talked to the security guard for a bit and told him why I was there. He lit up when I told him. After then, I waited for my ride. I didn't know if I would be accepted, although I pretty much knew I had the guy's vote. I totally blanked on my notebook paper being in my locker, and about 8 minutes later the guy came up to me and smiled and said, "you're an ambassador, welcome to the family." He offered a very slight hug that did not feel creepy at all, though I wasn't really all there. It was then that I went into shock though that I had just done something I had had no actual intention of doing next semester. After he left, I called my mom to tell her what I had just gone through to be accepted. She just laughed.

I got kind of creeped out by a roofer who was staring at me in an obsessive sort of way, so I went and sat down out of his view.

I told the driver on the way home, and he was like 'whoa, no kidding�"

I think it still doesn't feel real. Maybe this is why they require you to write an essay. Maybe it makes it sink in.

In other news, I ordered my textbook for English today. I got an email from my dear English teacher, and she is ecstatic about this and feels it's perfect for me. She has a much higher opinion of me than I do. She used lots of exclamations at the ends of her sentences, and is thrilled, as I knew she would be, to write the faculty letter I need. She also alleviated some of my fears about the class this fall by letting me know that some really great students of hers will be in our class. She has such good taste in people�okay, that was a little bit of an egotistical statement. Lol�oh well.

My cat gets to get a couple of shots in the butt tomorrow. I've already scared him with opening his carrier. He started eating and attacking it, so I think he must have some sort of memory of when he had, and then didn't have his nads�poor thing. I'll never forget the nurse telling me he was the happiest looking high cat she'd ever seen, and laughing saying he just looked like he wanted more. He really did though�

Okay, I'm off to bed.

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