I wrote this first part a while ago today:

I'm doing a lil better today, though this morning I was a puffy-eyed mess. I drowned my lonely rock-bottom sorrows in emails sent off to school faculty. Today I emailed a school adviser, academic support, my English teacher, re-emailed the ambassador director, and wrote out a letter that I need to fax financial aid.

I have so many more people to contact; actually, it's getting a bit crazy.

The only one who got back to me was the director. His writing is not very descriptive. In response to my question of the first meeting, he wrote that they "will feed [me] for lunch and have snacks in between." Which, because I'm new to this whole thing and paranoid of hazing, and because it's the closest to a fraternity I've ever been involved with, I took a pause and one deep breath and can only hope he means they will feed me lunch - not feed me for lunch, which sounds a lil creepy to me. :-)

It also made me remember B, my English teacher, giving us a grinning and hilarious lecture of word order and it's often mortifyingly funny consequences. That was actually a fun class that day, hmm. I absolutely cannot wait to be in class with her again. She has an odd obsession with sentences that include a monkey as the subject, and I wonder if her over-seas studying in India has something to do with that. She's just the best, monkey obsession or not.

The director told me I need to get my essay submitted to him by Friday, and he gave me a horrifying one-page limit. I absolutely cannot write a one-page essay, I'm incapable. So, I'll aim for two pages, even limiting my thoughts and description that much is hard for me. I told him that W is being a bit unreliable, and even though he said not to worry, he didn't specifically say he would let it slide if I didn't get the reference letter. He wants those letters by Friday as well, but I'm not about to do that time limit to B, and I cannot get through to W at all. If I can't, then he wants them by mid-August. Maybe by then I'll be able to rearrange some of W's brain-cells just enough to get a stupid scribbley signature out of him. :-( I really don't know what's going to happen between us, but it's his fault regardless of what does occur, because yes, he is an asshole. But I also don't know what will happen if I can't get the letter from W. He wants me to fully write it for him. I'm not sure about that. I don't think it's ethical. I mean, I couldn't give a crap about the letter, and I doubt they will really read it. My only care is that I will know that he did not write it.

And I wrote this part just now.

It's interesting that when you know someone too well, it's rarely good. After thinking a lot, and crying till 5 am last night, I've come to the conclusion that W showed me a side of him this week that I cannot continue trying to appease. With everything he's done the past two years, this week he showed the meanest side of himself that I've ever seen, over a stupid 1-2 paragraph letter that I need. This really sucks. And yeah, I'm once again tearing up as I type this. And I feel like an idiot for it. But I feel like more of an idiot for not having made any new friends who didn't move away. It took me 15 years to find friends, just to have them move on me and, except for P, not keep in touch, although he hasn't really either. Go me. It's really hard for me to take the positive traits that W told me he would say in the letter if he did write it, and find any value in them if they aren't qualities that really mean anything. Anyway, this is what he said:

You're smart (obviously not for having trusted him so much)

You're not judgmental of other people and you really do accept people

You really want to reach out to new people

You're so perseverant

And you are genuine and you genuinely care about everyone (I even waste it on people like him)

To be honest, I'm looking at this list, and it means nothing to me.

He also told me that he is refusing to write the letter because I need to learn to do things on my own. As if I'm not doing enough on my own. I somehow think that forging and faking letters from my supposed friends should not be something I need to learn to do.

The only thing I have to be grateful for is that my English teacher will do this and mean each and every word she writes. She thinks so highly of me that I always feel like I'm going to let her down.

It's after 3:30 am, and I'm going to go collapse now.

~e