lillian m. blakey moon_window




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Sunlight on Earth

� Copyright 2006-2012
Friday, Aug. 01, 2008 - 12:12 am

=*=


Today was a lot harder than I could have imagined it being. I think for us both. My attempt to sleep in was in vain, mostly because W did the same. He called me at 11:30am, and arrived in his "new" not-so-muddy '85 Toyota 4Runner, which has what I'll refer to as a symbolic fully cracked down the middle split in the windshield, and is missing the front bumper, the clock, the cigarette lighter, and the radio � which means we had no necessary distraction from each other. And it means I stared out the window much of the drive. The gas was also on empty much of the drive, and I feared he'd be late for work if it ran out, so I talked him into buying a few gallons of gas. I actually felt good that he finally let me sit in it though. I've asked to see it for months. Each time we hit a hard speed bump, of which there are way too many in this town, he sighed, smiled, and said "feel that solid suspension". It was cute in a really indescribable way.

Our ability to communicate has dwindled to near consistent miscommunication. W kept denying that we were fighting because we were not yelling at each other. I still say we were fighting, but in the most non-aggressive way humanly possible. I still have the ability to make him cry when I cry, which means a small spark of compassion for me remains somewhere in him. He really does hate seeing me be sad. Unfortunately lately he is the main cause of it in my life. And he knows this.

We drove around town for a half hour before agreeing on what to eat - pizza, of course. A past co-worker of his was at the pizza place and B.S.'d him about his love for Toyota trucks. Have I ever mentioned my utter disdain for small talk? He and the chick that was with him sat on the other side of the restaurant. The chick kept half smiling at me, and I have no idea what was up with that.

I could not make myself eat either in the restaurant or in his truck, and I'm not sure if it was from the fact that I had not taken any xanax, or if it was the stress of seeing him again and fearing really fighting. But either way, I told him I haven't been eating much this week, and when we got back to my apartment, he made me take the whole rest of the pizza and made me promise to eat the whole thing. lol.

W tried to talk to me while we waited for the pizza. I kept getting distracted by W's rather sad 4-day stubble. He told me he's trying to grow a beard for his hiking trip. He doesn't think it will work, as he (is amazingly gorgeous exactly like a very short Matt Damon and) really has little if any hair on much of his body, and his facial hair is minimal. So half of it is not growing in very well. I, semi-to rub it in, proudly told him that Josh has a beard, and how fast he grew it too. W replied smiling, "well some guys are freaks�and I just happen to be one of them." That one made us both laugh.

I eventually asked him the question of if I was allowed to see him after class to see his projects develop. He said a very strict "no". When I asked why he simply said, "you know why." I decided to not tell him that I do know why, but I don't understand it. I don't hate seeing him at school, yet he avoids me at all costs. Because he swears that I didn't and haven't done anything wrong, it feels shitty.

After a half hour of being on the verge of tears, he took that back because I told him why it made me feel exceedingly and genuinely sad. In fact, I'm still sad over him saying that. I knew he would say that too. But, it has nothing to do with us, our past, whatever � he's a very good artist, and I wanted to see his sculptures of miniature castles and houses and miniature towns he was planning to create. So he told me if I warn him first, like tell him a day ahead that I'd like to see his work then I can visit him in the art department after class and he'll show me. I then told him that part of the reason I want to see him more often is that it makes it less hard on me to see him on a semi-regular basis, not even hang out, just say hi and talk a bit. This six-month thing stresses me out because I deal with too much in seeing him again. Like I am now. He tried to understand, but I don't think he fully does.

I also told him that I know it's over between us because that's what he wants. But that until I find someone else, I really need him to be a lot kinder to me and be a real friend because when he treats me so badly, it makes me not want to try to be with anyone else or even make new friends. It makes me give up.

Because of his change in behavior before and after that conversation, I have come to the conclusion that he is being mean to me, calling me really mean names, etc. thinking it will make me get over him quicker. It's not working. Apparently I really can't unlove anyone. And his doing this is actually doing the opposite because it's only making me regret taking the chances and having overcome so many of my fears to be with him, and reinforces my fears that I'll be treated badly by anyone I'm with and makes me think I'll regret anyone I meet. It also makes it feel like I did do something wrong to make him break up with me.

Today I realized a lot of things about us, well, he and I. I'm not mad at him. I don't hate him. But it's just very hard to see him after six months time and only spend less than 2 hours together either not talking at all or misunderstanding when we do. I still really want us to do what he promised when he broke up with me � be good friends. I don't know why he means so much to me. It's like, when I met him two and a half years ago, he was the first person I'd had contact with who liked me despite my disorders. He was the first for everything, first hug from a guy since age 7, first kiss, and on from there, and he somehow represented my hope for not being alone in life anymore. He gave me everything I'd ever hoped for: friendship, family, companionship, love, support - everything except his time, but then he took it all away from me as quickly as he gave it. He still says he broke up with me for no real reason other than him being selfish about his time off. He said that again today, and with tears in his eyes told me I did nothing wrong at all when I was his girl and asked me again to not blame myself for everything he did. when he asked me to please smile, I asked him to give me a good reason. He sounded really sad when he looked at me directly and softly said, "You're pretty." He later also told me to not give up, that I'm the most intelligent female he's ever met, and that he remains in awe of just how much I don't give up and even more that I keep trying harder every time I hit another wall.

I can't not love him. And I just hope it gets processed somewhere in between his ears, that he needs to treat me better.

I also told him a bit more than I previously had about the 'quality' of some losers I've been hit on by. It had him grinning and rather speechless by some of the things they tried to woo me�like getting my name wrong, telling me they're in bed and getting undressed, flunking classes, can't go a day without pot, etc.

He told me to wait till I find a really good guy next time. As I got out of his car I made him promise to not fall off any cliffs during his hiking trip, and took a rather funny chance to mother him about safety and its importance�and that I'd really appreciate a call from him when he gets back � and that I need him to sign the letter he wrote, which he needs me to print for him as his boss at the airport has no printer for use. Oh, and he really had forgotten how to spell my name. He asked me and when I said, "you forgot the E on the end", he got embarrassed and said 'oh, well at least I got the rest of it right."

Which, sadly, is true.

So, he'll be gone till Tuesday, up in Colorado, and hopefully not falling off of cliffs because I need his stupid scribbly signature. :-P

So, I don't know. It's probably going to take me a while to process this emotionally.

And I get to talk to Josh tomorrow sometime. Yay.

My mom got very rare good news from the food stamp office, as of tomorrow, they'll no longer be able to harass us over proving things that are unnecessary and will be doing everything as the federal government states it be done, as in those on SSI are to automatically get at least $20 in food stamps and if they want/need more they need only provide rent and bills to see if they qualify for more. No more yelling at me over my financial aid money. Hmm, somehow this seems very much like the way it was done in Seattle � gee � and it only took 5 years of my mom and others, since we've lived here, filing continual complaints against the Dept's violations. God this place�

As my mom stated today, "well that�s done, now I can work on getting us health services we're supposed to be getting." Can I possibly try to hope that it won't take another 5 years?

I start school in 20 days.

Please let me not regret my decision to do too much�because as much as i like saying that i'm overly-ambitious, it remains freaking the crap out of this particular still mostly housebound agoraphobe.

~e


=*= one day i'll fly away =*=

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waving white flags - Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

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my mind is on the blink - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2017

How stupid of me - Saturday, Sept. 09, 2017

finally breaking down - Monday, Sept. 04, 2017