I tried to kill myself again in a dream last night. I was living on my own, but I had to move from a large four-floor house built with many apartments made from the many rooms. It was a security building and when I told the landlord that all of my friends lived there and that I could not contact them if I did not keep a key, he simply said 'that is not my problem' and tried to take the keys from me.

I ran to the door, and I unlocked it and ran up the stairs trying to find a place to hide from him. On the third floor I found a portal in a wall and hid inside. Once inside, I discovered quite a few young women and men hiding in there as well. One of the young women told me that they were hiding to wait till it was the right time to commit suicide, and they could do so without any interference if they remained hidden. And when it was time, I could join them.

Nearing the end of my dream, I did, I drank something. I woke up from the dream just as the room and stairwell I was crouched beside, began to fade.

I am supposed to have a dental appointment tomorrow. We called today at noon to confirm a time change however the clinic called back at 3pm as if we'd never called, unbeknownst to me, and the rude woman said if I didn't call her back by 4pm my appointment would be cancelled. Because we had called earlier, it seems ridiculous, and I didn't know that she had called at all till 9pm. And this clinic doesn't do emergency appointments and makes you wait two months minimum if you cancel because they serve mainly Medicaid. I hope they get this over with tomorrow with as few tears over feeling bad for constantly being treated like a piece of shit despite my constant trying to make my life better.

I haven't written or talked of my week to anyone, but I'm feeling so overwhelmed by everyone not helping or doing their jobs right that I already know if it continues that that I will not survive school and the number of things I've committed myself to with the level of stress I'm feeling. My agoraphobia is still severe judging by the way I felt while outside this week.

I haven't even written my ambassador essay. It's really stupid, but I feel like voicing my desires to have anything better, be it at school, home, or in life is like grasping hold of air. I don't like feeling hopeless. I don't like feeling suicidal. I don't like knowing that I'm still so agoraphobic that I can't just go work 8 hour days without getting sick again. And I'm wondering if I can do any of this in my effort to try to get better and live better, because yes I can sit here and write for the rest of my life, but if I'm stuck on SSI, and food stamps, and Medicaid and all their rules preventing me from saving any money to make my life decent and pay for the services I need while denying me that care, what good is it? I need money. I need a real way out, and I'm not sure where that is. I need my fairytale to have a less horrific plot.

And in the mean time, what else can i do but cry?

~e