I can't do the homework I've been assigned. It's not only excessive and fairly pointless, it's depressing as well. I am supposed to read 103 pages well enough to argue points in a 2-page freewrite, and fully revise my second essay as well.
The conversation with Josh keeps re-playing in my mind and makes me not want to know him anymore. He's so cold to me now, since D and I decided to give this a go. Josh has changed for the worse again, and I guess I lost my best friend. My best friend is barely my chat buddy now, and part of me wants to tell him to go fuck himself�and Canada. It's making me feel sick. I guess he was only nice to me if he had a delusion that he'd get laid sometime � something he ruined by not visiting me. If I'm with someone else, I guess he loses that and withholds even basic kindness and depth for pointless chats about shallow have-done's. His attitude towards me now is resentful and coarse, even as he is claiming to be nice. He doesn't even physically sound like the Josh I trusted and grew to adore. I asked him why he's being this way and he simply said he has to reserve those emotions (the kind/human ones, I guess) for the girl he'll find in the town he'll be moving to next year. And he claims it's because I need to make D my new best friend and get closer to him - which is bullshit. And all I can do is cry and realize that D is my only friend now, no one else is even replying to my emails or talking to me. D calls me or talks online every day. So I'm back to the way it was when I was with W�everyone left me, and I had no one to talk to and so everything very quickly fucked up. And I'm terrified of fucking things up with D over the same things, because I'll have no one again. D shouldn't be my entire world just because he is my boyfriend. I need friends too. So I'm too upset to focus on essays about 9/11 and how America is the greatest nation in the world�because my heart is being ripped in two, and I am having difficulty reasoning my level of trust for D, as is he with me.
My anthro teacher is back from Botswana. He chatted with me online for a bit and told me has photos and video of his time with the "Bushmen" that he wants to share with me before class. I look forward to that tomorrow.
In the meantime, I just feel heartsick�and shouldn't have eaten today. And nobody even reads this damn thing anymore, so even here I sit alone. And it's amazing how much I lose everytime I try to win...
~e