I'm not used to affection. Happiness. Trust. I can't handle this level of vulnerability. I feel so stupid. While at Borders with him on Saturday I noticed "Happiness For Dummies"...i should get it.

D has some of the same traits as W...mostly the good ones or better than, but still. I actually remembered a few things from when I was with W that I'd completely forgotten. I don't know how to deal with him holding me when I've fallen asleep beside him. It was something I had hoped W would do the entire time I was with him...but he never did. W had sex with me and rolled over and went to sleep as if I wasn't there...but D is really affectionate, and we haven't even gone that far. It felt so good to stay at his place Friday night and fall asleep wearing his shirt and wake up literally 'together'. We stayed together doing things most of Saturday. It felt too good. It felt real.

I've never been in a real relationship, and I'm afraid of it as much as I am of fucking it all up.

W was drunk lastnight, but I talked to him not knowing that and we got into a huge fight because i told him how afraid I am getting with D because i fear he will find out something he hates, or I'll do something wrong. He was trying to reason through his intoxication and it led me to pis him off as I questioned his responses. I already feel like i'm fucking it up and that he knows it. Josh hasn't talked to me in a long time but is expected to call me tomorrow. I'm talking to W because Josh isn't being the friend I need him to be...W is my only other option. W is avoiding me now. I don't even feel like I can email Josh and tell him anything. Not even that me and D are in a local paper this week.

So I cried most of today. It's strange how alone in the world I feel now that I have a boyfriend. Everyone left me. Even the other people at school are treating me differently now that they know. My mom is mad that i'm staying at his place, and seems to be re-living the stupidity she did with W...I slept at W's place twice a week or more and lived 3 blocks away and claimed he was too tired to drive me home 3 blocks, and she believed i was sleeping on his couch.

ugh...

My mom told me I can't stay at D's because my cat freaks out when I'm not home...probably because unlike my mom he knows i'm with a guy in 'that way'...well getting there.

Anyway, i'm losing it...and crying at the mere thought of W, D, Josh, or English homework.

And i'm two weeks behind in my English homework because the textbook is as suicide-inducing as I feared. I haven't done any assignments. I'm probably going to have a B in this class, entirely because of that book.

I keep having dreams where I'm hanging myself or committing suicide. The one the other night W was chasing me and D was there. I jumped off a cliff and tried to hang myself on tree roots that were protruding from the cliff. When that broke loose I slid down and ran to a building where i found a pistol and tried to shoot myself.

I'm waking up from these kinds of dreams not breathing.

I have to learn facilitation by Wednesday and have been reading a lot on it. I think I could grow to like it, but right now it seems difficult.

I'm not feeling confident at all in English class. I'm expecting to fully screw up this next in-class essay. She didn't even cover argumentation essays in class, just told us to read the book. I'm still lost on this form of paper. I might get my first B on a paper too.

I think I'm going to take Composition and Literature, Cognitive Psychology, and Belly Dancing next semester. Maybe Interpersonal Communication. And D is planning to take 5 classes to graduate, so I doubt I'll see him much after January.

I dunno...right now my life feels a mess, and it's disturbing that I know exactly why.

~e