I spent last week being utterly depressed because all of my friends disappeared on me, and have been no where to be found my any sort of means. I apparently am near friendless. But today, screw them all�I am in such a wonderful mind today. Much like the way I felt before going to college, hehe. School eradicates these states of mind within me because I can't be vulnerable to the world and listen to it when I have so many to-do's. But the snow outside is blanketing the world nearly a foot over with more still to come. And each passing car slowly scratches its way through the world outside.

The sunset this evening was magickal. The world was set alight in a glistening spectrum of hues�fires and ices and warms and cools across the landscape of tree limbs and adobe and sky all interwoven into a glorious painting in my horizon.

I have been reading my English 112 book and quite enjoying it, even though I've read much of what it contains already. My bf, it being his copy, wrote notes in the margins. He has read the Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, one of my favorite sort stories. He has read Tennyson's poem Ulysses. And A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen has been thoroughly devoured. Somehow this makes me really happy.

I'll be wandering pointlessly around my apartment and stop for a second and breathe, and I can feel his body and his breath against my skin even though he is miles away. I stayed with him again this weekend. We had a really long online discussion of our fears with each other, and in general. It lasted till 4 a.m. and I cried much of it but I didn't tell him. But I told him afterwards that the idea of losing him, and some things he said, made me realize just how much I want him in my life. I really feel it now instead of it merely being an abstract impossibility. I think I'm making him feel things he never intended to feel again. And he is working through them, some days easier than others. I asked him though if he intends to break up with me any time soon, and he said that he does not.

He was married once upon a time to a woman who didn't seem to take marriage very seriously, and she divorced him. I think he is afraid of being burned again, and he is afraid of hurting me as well. Me and him have the same idea of what marriage is, and that it is forever. But he keeps telling me he is very confused about everything he is feeling and thinking now that he's met me. So I can merely be patient and talk with him and be myself and all that good stuff. And hope each day and take it all one day at a time. Minus the intensive levels of tickling (which I think he only does because he likes hearing me laugh), he's been the most loving boyfriend I could have hoped for. And he still feels he could do even more. One of my favorite things though is when he lays his head in my lap and looks up at me so lovingly as I gently rub my fingers across his head and neck. He told me just listens to my heart beating.

We've spent quite a bit of time at his grandma's house. She is nearly 80 and a really sweet but spunky person. She cusses too, which is quite funny. She holds her own, that's for sure. Someone wrote on the Speed Hump sign on the way to her house so it now reads: "Speed Hump Me". It's impossible to not laugh at that. Anyway, it will be my first real Christmas in just about forever. We are going to her house, and trudging through eight inches of snow, to eat tamales and posole and spend time with her. I've never eaten either, so I have no idea. I guess I'll find out. :-)

Anyway, I'm trying to write things, and read things and well, I have a boyfriend. So�but today I did a lot more than I have in a while. So I'm going to post this and get back to it�as I drift off to sleep wishing I were beside him. And missing all of my friends who are nowhere to be found�

~e